Neptunian Life 3

adios!

Dear beloved blog. Thank you for the year and a half that we've been acquainted, for the many many times you've listened to my whinging. I won't be talking to you anymore, however. But I'll most probably drop by to visit one day in the far far future, when I'm old and bored and feel like reminiscing. Till then, adios! =D

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i owe you one

Mis amigos,
Gracias.
For sitting with me
So very patiently
Through the storm.
For the heart to help,
And the understanding to do it.
For not judging,
Not patronizing,
Not treating me
As a patient,
But as a friend,
As a worthwhile equal.
For being easy to approach.
For my sanity.
Gracias.
_____________

I found an SSRI buddy! Hah! We already see heaps of antidepressanting patients, no biggie, you say. But it's very different if the other is a friend and not a gomer or acute psych unit resident.

So we chatted about SSRI side effects, doses, alternatives, etc. And now we're going to start an SSRI club.

No just kidding. But it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

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a tad more streetwise

Heyyyy..I've advanced in the art of snubbing horny strangers' advances. It's about time eh? After seriously grossing out Steph with my story re 50yo Italian, I've realized that I am sadly deficient in snubbing skills.

This Nigerian guy today wasn't all that old. Mid-twenties, I'd say. He greeted me with a cheery hey-how-are-you when I walked past him on my train platform. I said hi, rudely neglecting to make eye contact, and walked on.

Unfortunately he actually followed me to my fave platform spot, and introduced himself. I ensured that I spoke in a disinterested tone, smiled little, and most importantly, that *I* asked the questions. And also, that *he* provided the phone number. (Well he insisted that 'chance' wasn't good enough when I suggested our next method of meeting in reply to his hints.)

So..that's that. I don't want to be mean; I don't like rejecting people. *shrug* But just as I tolerate their approach to dating, they may understand that I've my own approach too.

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start

Ever played a board game with those frustrating "return to start" squares?

You could be two squares away from the finish square, but through some unlucky roll of the dice, be transported all the way back to step zero.

I'm standing there now, pondering the age-old question: What is the meaning of life?

Without this answer, I don't know what route to take. I don't know why I'm still playing. Without this answer, I will repeatedly come back to the start to ponder. What'm I supposed to be fighting for?
___________

I was sad today. I'm not even sure why. My mind simply told me that I was sad. So there I was snuffling for 40 min. Then Mom appears.
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
"You have to tell me otherwise I won't know. What happened?"
"No seriously. Nothing."
"How creepy."

*sigh* I've explained it to her many times. But she doesn't really understand.

Another time, she joked about people who cut, with a huge grin on her face, miming the cutting. I turned away disgusted.

She tries, but she doesn't have great EQ. *sigh*

I want to look in other directions for assistance, but it's hard because people have their own lives, and I've my pride. And one feel so terribly alone in the seemingly endless horribleness.

There's nothing left to CBT away, for the only thought that runs through my mind is that life is empty. And no number of imagined rainbows and butterflies can counter it.

But things will fix themselves eventually, for one must run out of tears eventually, and the morning will come.

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aisukureemu o tabetai desu

Could the weather be any more lovely?

Well yeah I suppose it could. The highly-anticipated 23 degrees tomorrow will be two degress nicer =D.

It was somewhat of a shock this evening when I discovered I could be outdoors and coatless simultaneously! =D I'd almost forgotten how wonderful spring feels.

I need to stock up on ice cream =D.
____________

I also made another pleasant discovery. I chatted with Chinese gooseberry for two hours, and Balanitis for one...

And I discovered.... that they are more kind and considerate than I believed!

It's not that I thought them low and selfish. I just never thought they could be the opposite.

E.g. Balanitis refuses to keep a dog, though he loves the creatures, because he believes he should provide as much happiness as he receives from it, and doesn't want it to suffer loneliness at home while he's at work. Awwwwwwwww.

Okay. Maybe that's not the best example. No, their kindness isn't limited to animals.
____________

I also chatted with the artist re her hazards perception test which she has just failed for the third time. (Yeah I did a huge amount of chatting. The textbooks sat neglected for a long time.)

So I spent 30 minutes comforting her and attentively listening to all her little ills and plans in life.

And though she does get on my nerves. Though she can be extremely inconsiderate and selfish. And though she stole my opportunity to scrub for a surgery, though *I* knew the surgeon and the reg, and *I* invited her to join, and I got uncontrollably PMDD over it afterwards. Though she borrows important notes and doesn't return them till eons afterwards - and not just my notes! Though a friend and I made an anti-leech pact, and she's the 'leech' in my part of the pact...

I just can't continue being mad at her! She doesn't *know* she hurts people. She's so naive and open about everything. She would most probably tell me her fave sex positions if I asked. Which I won't.

She's like Bob. You remember Bob? An overgrown spoilt child who doesn't mean to hurt anyone? She reminds me greatly of him.

Yeah okay.. I seem to have backstabbed a couple of people here. I've only spoken the truth, but the truth can hurt. So.. if you're planning on blackmailing on me, hopefully you don't know who I'm referring to. =D

Aight. Am off to hunt down some ice-cream.

Oh hey..please don't blackmail me.

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