Neptunian Life 3

adios!

2008-09-21T20:28:00.004+10:00

Dear beloved blog. Thank you for the year and a half that we've been acquainted, for the many many times you've listened to my whinging. I won't be talking to you anymore, however. But I'll most probably drop by to visit one day in the far far future, when I'm old and bored and feel like reminiscing. Till then, adios! =D

i owe you one

2008-09-15T17:26:00.003+10:00

Mis amigos,
Gracias.
For sitting with me
So very patiently
Through the storm.
For the heart to help,
And the understanding to do it.
For not judging,
Not patronizing,
Not treating me
As a patient,
But as a friend,
As a worthwhile equal.
For being easy to approach.
For my sanity.
Gracias.
_____________

I found an SSRI buddy! Hah! We already see heaps of antidepressanting patients, no biggie, you say. But it's very different if the other is a friend and not a gomer or acute psych unit resident.

So we chatted about SSRI side effects, doses, alternatives, etc. And now we're going to start an SSRI club.

No just kidding. But it's nice to know I'm not the only one.

a tad more streetwise

2008-09-14T21:03:00.003+10:00

Heyyyy..I've advanced in the art of snubbing horny strangers' advances. It's about time eh? After seriously grossing out Steph with my story re 50yo Italian, I've realized that I am sadly deficient in snubbing skills.

This Nigerian guy today wasn't all that old. Mid-twenties, I'd say. He greeted me with a cheery hey-how-are-you when I walked past him on my train platform. I said hi, rudely neglecting to make eye contact, and walked on.

Unfortunately he actually followed me to my fave platform spot, and introduced himself. I ensured that I spoke in a disinterested tone, smiled little, and most importantly, that *I* asked the questions. And also, that *he* provided the phone number. (Well he insisted that 'chance' wasn't good enough when I suggested our next method of meeting in reply to his hints.)

So..that's that. I don't want to be mean; I don't like rejecting people. *shrug* But just as I tolerate their approach to dating, they may understand that I've my own approach too.

start

2008-09-13T17:07:00.006+10:00

Ever played a board game with those frustrating "return to start" squares?

You could be two squares away from the finish square, but through some unlucky roll of the dice, be transported all the way back to step zero.

I'm standing there now, pondering the age-old question: What is the meaning of life?

Without this answer, I don't know what route to take. I don't know why I'm still playing. Without this answer, I will repeatedly come back to the start to ponder. What'm I supposed to be fighting for?
___________

I was sad today. I'm not even sure why. My mind simply told me that I was sad. So there I was snuffling for 40 min. Then Mom appears.
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
"You have to tell me otherwise I won't know. What happened?"
"No seriously. Nothing."
"How creepy."

*sigh* I've explained it to her many times. But she doesn't really understand.

Another time, she joked about people who cut, with a huge grin on her face, miming the cutting. I turned away disgusted.

She tries, but she doesn't have great EQ. *sigh*

I want to look in other directions for assistance, but it's hard because people have their own lives, and I've my pride. And one feel so terribly alone in the seemingly endless horribleness.

There's nothing left to CBT away, for the only thought that runs through my mind is that life is empty. And no number of imagined rainbows and butterflies can counter it.

But things will fix themselves eventually, for one must run out of tears eventually, and the morning will come.

aisukureemu o tabetai desu

2008-09-12T18:44:00.003+10:00

Could the weather be any more lovely?

Well yeah I suppose it could. The highly-anticipated 23 degrees tomorrow will be two degress nicer =D.

It was somewhat of a shock this evening when I discovered I could be outdoors and coatless simultaneously! =D I'd almost forgotten how wonderful spring feels.

I need to stock up on ice cream =D.
____________

I also made another pleasant discovery. I chatted with Chinese gooseberry for two hours, and Balanitis for one...

And I discovered.... that they are more kind and considerate than I believed!

It's not that I thought them low and selfish. I just never thought they could be the opposite.

E.g. Balanitis refuses to keep a dog, though he loves the creatures, because he believes he should provide as much happiness as he receives from it, and doesn't want it to suffer loneliness at home while he's at work. Awwwwwwwww.

Okay. Maybe that's not the best example. No, their kindness isn't limited to animals.
____________

I also chatted with the artist re her hazards perception test which she has just failed for the third time. (Yeah I did a huge amount of chatting. The textbooks sat neglected for a long time.)

So I spent 30 minutes comforting her and attentively listening to all her little ills and plans in life.

And though she does get on my nerves. Though she can be extremely inconsiderate and selfish. And though she stole my opportunity to scrub for a surgery, though *I* knew the surgeon and the reg, and *I* invited her to join, and I got uncontrollably PMDD over it afterwards. Though she borrows important notes and doesn't return them till eons afterwards - and not just my notes! Though a friend and I made an anti-leech pact, and she's the 'leech' in my part of the pact...

I just can't continue being mad at her! She doesn't *know* she hurts people. She's so naive and open about everything. She would most probably tell me her fave sex positions if I asked. Which I won't.

She's like Bob. You remember Bob? An overgrown spoilt child who doesn't mean to hurt anyone? She reminds me greatly of him.

Yeah okay.. I seem to have backstabbed a couple of people here. I've only spoken the truth, but the truth can hurt. So.. if you're planning on blackmailing on me, hopefully you don't know who I'm referring to. =D

Aight. Am off to hunt down some ice-cream.

Oh hey..please don't blackmail me.

placid

2008-09-09T22:51:00.003+10:00

It's a black placid midnight.
Unfelt seconds drip away,
The precise clock needle
Moving with utmost elegance.

I'm not sure why I'm here,
In this smooth nocturnal rawness,
But I allow my mind rest
For the answer no longer matters.

Where the parade of crumbs traversed,
Emptiness obesely sits.
I'm awash with amazement
By the pureness that surrounds.

I'll curl up here instead,
In this vast synthetic field
Of hollow horrific beauty;
Whyever would I return home.

cbt-ing myself

2008-09-08T19:10:00.005+10:00

I return home grumpy today. Coz I'm tired and headachy post-6.30 pm finish. And though this is extremely trivial, it affects me.

It shouldn't really.

I was chatting with two friends today, and they've headaches to last them for the next decade. Headaches I don't have.

It makes me feel rather small. Immature. There's a lot in the world I've not needed to face, and probably never will have to.

It's probably soma season now. I think I’m two days overdue haha. But let me indulge in the negativity for now coz it adds flavour to my existence.

I need a proper life. I know this because little unnecessary things are running through my mind. They're all the more contemptible because they're elementary school thoughts.

That I wasn't invited to a social event, one of several. That one of my most valued friends finds a (rather mean) acquaintance more interesting than me. That there are people who seem to actively dislike me – (yeah I’m one of those; I don’t mind if you don’t respect me, but you cannot dislike me because it hurts my ego). That there're a few I've hurt who'll not deign to speak to me without coldness. That a good friend in the last few days would not initiate conversation, waiting instead for me to do so, making me rather wonder whether I'm a source of annoyance. That I am too easily annoyed by AC, who demands and takes too much and does not give – AC saps and saps until you’re dry and then picks at your wizened remains, *but* AC does this unintentionally and does not deserve my behaviour. That I am too emotionally dependent on a particular friend - *I* demand and take and do not give. That my best friend isn’t gay enough. That I’m no one’s best friend. That in the last couple of days, I helped people because I felt obliged to, not because I enjoyed it. That I seem to confuzzle the vasc reg. That I am immature.

Well I could do a little CBT. There *was* positive stuff today.

Met many friends around the hosp. Defined a Krukenberg tumour though the consultant did not expect the answer from us. Got along with the consultants. Attracted a lot of staring from two meddies (one even semi-offered to drive me home haha), one training physio, and one resident - well come on, I'm not normally a superficial person, nor do I normally relish lustful attention, but today, leave me the little bit of self-love I'm desperately scraping together. Had a couple of good tutes. Won a debate against a bitch. Organized a practice driving test on Thurs which I expect to be heaps of fun. Did my first official discharge summary.

And the headache has faded.

Heyyyy....life isn't half as bad as it seemed. Yes, I can continue with it.

Gawd. It’s as though I am in need of constant praise. Like a kid. “Yes! 2+2 =4. Fantastic! Let me give you a sticker.”

People don't make me miserable. (*I* do. Hah.) *Contructs shell around me that Guin Wilson supposedly has.* I hear it's what allows her to survive in the all boys' club.

A good friend tells me people will naturally like me more if I could muster more self-confidence; that it is my poor self-esteem which repels people. I don’t fully believe it, but perhaps there’s a bit of truth in it eh. I only wonder - is it worth the risk of developing false confidence? See, my policy has always been that if one doesn’t expect, one cannot be disappointed. I.e. if I have low expectations, I’ll always be impressed. But okay. Point taken. I will try this confidence thing.

my end-of-week procrastina/reflec-tion

2008-09-07T10:46:00.005+10:00

I'm sleepy. Hence my presence here. I can't concentrate on study just yet; I'll wait for the caffeine (Ah, V. What would I do without you?) to be absorbed.

I'm gradually becoming accustomed to 6am awakenings. It is such an ungodly hour; all of one's cells object to the foreignness of a dark morning, of the unwelcoming 6am chill.

It's good practice for next year anyhow, I say. In a strangely logical but this-is-still-wrong manner, the early starts are feeling more and more natural. It certainly does help that spring is here, and the 6am world less objectionable than it was. I look back to 2 weeks ago, when I was sleeping in to 8 or 9 daily, and I amaze myself.

I respect those at the Austin, with their 6am ward rounds. What unfriendliness they must battle at 5am. At least the traffic and parking are agreeable, I suppose.

I plan to attend my 7.30 WRs at the Northern daily. Our WRs, thank goodness, are of reasonable length. Physicians must be extremely fit creatures.
_____________

I've been observing the fourth years. (Well how can one not?! They're *everywhere*, unlike us 6th years who fear no tutor marks and seem to make ourselves scarce.) It'll be interesting meeting the new ones next week. And the fifth years'll be around as well, after their introductory lecture week at RCH/Mercy. Yay..Northern'll be a nice busy place.

But back to the fourth years. I look at them and I muse, "Hey...I was there once." Only 5 weeks into their first clinical semester, they look so uptight. So much so that I wonder if they're actually enjoying themselves. There was a fourth year who joined Mr Chan and me in vasc OPD. And she didn't seem to enjoy the ulcers, nor the friendly patients. I just thought it's a sad loss.
______________

And whilst waiting for all my brain cells to switch on, I'm listening to The Fray. The more I listen to the lyrics, the more they make me want to cry =P. Yes, call me a pansy if you will, but you must agree - the song is very prettiful, no?

This song was inspired by the lead singer's experiences as a volunteer at a camp for troubled teens (Wikipedia, 2008). Part of the song describes a confrontation between an adult and a troubled teen. But the adult's approach is ineffective.

Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Let him know that you know best
‘Cause after all, you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence

The refrain speaks from a friend's perspective.

And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And would I have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Awwwwwwwww.

I want to do volunteer work for depressed teens. A couple of years ago, I wanted to sign up with an organization, the name of which eludes my sleepy memory, but they required volunteers to undergo a costly training program. I'll have the dinero next year, but I'm not sure I'll have time, (or that I'll be emotionally stable enough myself!) but I could officially ditch St John for extra time.

It's a bit mean of me, as St John provided me with a glowing personal reference last semester, but our division's going through turbulent times, and requires more of each remaining member to stay afloat.

Even so, I did no volunteer work this week. Lalalala.

spoilt

2008-09-06T17:17:00.003+10:00

I feel as though I *should* feel guilty, but I don't - I'm too happy! Maybe I'm subject to seasonal mood changes. Hah.

The splendid weather today simply forbade me to study or to bother with any boring responsibilities.

After grocery shopping with Mom on Vic St, we watched an auction (2.7 million and only 1 interest buyer haha! The auctioneer looked dejected.), binged on glorious Asian junk food, and wandered down Bridge Rd...where I overspent, purchasing a dress four times greater than my intended budget.

And now I'm back home, resuming the bingeing. Niiice...fresh strawberries.

bkk

2008-09-02T21:08:00.005+10:00

Darn. Bloodshed in Thailand. Ironically I was saying to Vong only few days ago that I didn't think this business in Thailand would turn violent. It had remained more or less non-violent since '92! (I remember that unusual day when school phoned us all to stay home. We quite relished it as kids, and our poor understanding of the political happenings definitely didn't spoil our day.)

Anyhow. Probably wouldn't last long. Might this be another ironic comment? =P We're not worried anyhow, and Dad's going back to BKK on Thurs. I like Samak. And I think Thaksin did a great job too, despite the tax evasion =P.

more vasc surg!!

2008-09-02T18:43:00.003+10:00

Hah! My favourite vascular surg consultant was there today! Mr Chan. I've only ever seen him at the Austin so didn't realize he comes over to Northern too. I never told him this but he's the one who inspired my fascination with vasc surg. Twas great. I learned so much today following him on the ward round and in outpatients.

Haha...despite my enthusiasm for the field, there's plenty of basic stuff I actually don't know. He pointed at an arterial ulcer. It was deceptively just proximal to medial malleolus. So of course I said venous. Heck...I haven't seen ulcers for 2 years except in textbooks. =P

I also learned lots of random stuff. Why the association between carotid a. stenosis and stroke wasn't discovered for a long time after autopsies became a common practice. How Doppler US got its name. Italian and Greek greetings - which work wonders with the patients, sometimes rendering them so happy they come up to kiss you on the cheek! The peroneal pulse (not officially in textbooks).

Fun =D. And he's doing a AAA repair end of the week! Cannot wait.

nm

2008-09-01T18:23:00.001+10:00

Oh never mind. She's home now.

where's gracie?

2008-09-01T18:08:00.002+10:00

D'oh. I can be a very anxious person where family's concerned. My imagination runs away with me. If my dad's flight is late in arriving, I worry about a plane crash. If my sister returns home late, I worry that she's been abducted somewhere in the park by creepy homeless man.

And I'm worried now because she's over an hour late in getting picked up. Besides mentally dressing her up in the Wally's signature red & white stripy shirt and cap, I start to imagine tomorrow's news article about missing high school girl. I start wondering how life would be minus a sister. And minus her school fees next year. Oh maybe that's too mean.

Hmmmmm.

The night's dark.

surg!!

2008-09-01T16:12:00.003+10:00

Vascular surgery week! Pure and utter bliss. Palpated a 10cm AAA. Interviewed two patients w PVD - one with 8 amputated toes, the other with a fem-pop bypass utilizing the cephalic vein coz the saphenous had long ago been harvested for a CABG. And watched a surgery. The Asian vascular consultant I met wasn't very nice though. *shrug* Better luck at tomorrow's ward round maybe.

Am so very pleased to be group-buddies with Chris and Calvin again, my well-respected and well-liked colleagues =D. Oh I'm going to love these 5 weeks!

Eating: Green tea mooncakes. The ultra-sweet variety, w no egg yolks. Gotta sustain the sweet tooth you know. Gosh I don't understand people's fondness for egg-yolked mooncake. And YN tells me she and Irene prefer FOUR egg yolks per mooncake! Surely there'd be no space for anything else but egg yolk? Hehehe.

Listening to: Take Me On The Floor - The Veronicas

my ruminated cud

2008-08-31T11:33:00.007+10:00

Do you know that singularly annoying nagging feeling...

That can only ever be crafted by a guilty conscience? It established a tenacious haunt in my mind last Tuesday.

I had unintentionally scapegoated a nurse.

Yes indeed. Gasp and gape at the horror. Yet I must admit to it. The horribleness slipped out with such hammer-on-patellar-tendon speed, that I stood there in puzzled confusion for a long while.

It continued to confuzzle me for the next 24 hours. I started wondering about my identity, which I'd always fancied was based largely on my value of morality.

Luckily for me, a couple of my favourite buggable friends were conveniently around on Tuesday night to convince me that morality or not, my identity still exists.

Anyhow I apologized to the nurse the next morning and she was very pleasantly gracious about it, brushing it off as though it never entered her mind.

And the annoying nagging feeling disappeared, awaiting the next opportunisitic haunt.
____________

During my discussion with Vong yest, an interesting point appeared. He wouldn't base his life on morality, he says, because it changes depending on the environment.

It is in our best interests to help each other in this country because it promotes productivity and efficiency. Whereas in a war-torn country, say, it is in our best interests to fight and kill off each other for survival.

A valid point. In which case, I told him, I would just stay safely in Australia.

But it does make me wonder. What can and will my identity differentiate into? Will it be able to withstand new environments? And, in particular, the new world of internship?

I've seen people change for the worse in the name of ambition. I've seen people stepping on others to advance themselves socially or career-wise. And though I cannot respect these people, I am sad for them. And I am even sadder for those that they utilize and slight.
____________

We took our car in for maintenance. And see what they gave us as a temporary replacement! Hahaha..the sight of it amuses me. It's as pretty as a pug.

tgif

2008-08-30T02:42:00.003+10:00

Good company, table tennis, junk food, two movies and a beautiful Maltese x Shih tzu with the whitest, glossiest fur imaginable.

What a wonderful conclusion to the week.

Reading: Eric - Terry Pratchett. Gosh this one's disappointingly dull. Shall be moving swiftly on to 'Guards! Guards!' when it appears in the local library.

last week of gp land

2008-08-27T18:56:00.005+10:00

I feel so loved. More patients have told me I'll make a great doctor. And the sup keeps telling patients, in his usual overly-generous British manner, that he doesn't know what he'll do without me next week. Hahaha. And all I do is smile, act friendly, type quickly, and make intelligent guesses at Ix and Mx. I actually remember very little medicine. Lol.

Last day of GP clinic tomorrow. I'll miss it. The warm and friendly people. The wonderful food. The best scones I've encountered. I might actually be ever so slightly interested in general practice in the future, should both surg and radiology prove to be unsuitable for me.

But time to return to surgery! My fingers itch to hold surgical instruments, to suture... Hopefully I'll get to play.

st john duty - youth alive

2008-08-24T19:59:00.009+10:00

St J duty yesterday at Youth Alive concert.

Very pretty music. (And one very pretty singer with big grey eyes and long dark hair.)

Surprisingly, Loser bunny and I got along well. He didn't try to outdo me in medical knowledge!! (He's a computer engineer who likes venturing outside his expertise via Google/books. He's even once seriously pissed off Xenia the lawyer by asserting that all murderers can get bail.)

And not only was he not disagreeable, he bought me food =D. I'm easily won over. So I didn't mind partnering up with him for most of the night. He's a big guy after all and can simultaneously carry all the heavy equipment.

And though I risk sounding sadistic for saying so, it was a great night, with 14 casualties. Couple of asthma attacks. A couple of head injuries. Abrasion. Panadols. Oh the kids made us feel very loved by frequently requesting our services.

Hmm..that last line sounded wrong. I've become very sensitive to dodgy paedophiliac-sounding lines ever since 13-yr-old Josh drew love hearts and roses in my diary. He haunts me still =(. He told me I have nice skin when he handed me some equipment the other day. *Worries*.

Anyhow. Back to the topic indicated by the entry heading, it was a fun duty. 8 of our own divisional members staffed the event so it ended up akin to a divisional social night. The nature of the event triggered some extremely interesting theological discussions...

_________

D'oh. Mom's decided to again run away to Asia, despite my attempts to find amusement for her here. A month of housework for poor Grae.

Reading: The Light Fantastic, Terry Pratchett

Listening to: Home - Michael Buble

Yes, maybe if I play this song continuously, Mom'll get homesick before she flies off.

odd dream

2008-08-21T19:50:00.003+10:00

Oh! I forgot to add that I had the oddest dream last night.

I was reading the Katy Perry article right before bedtime, thinking her parents oh-so-ridiculous.

And what'd you know. The homosexuality theme crept into my dream. I dreamt that Dora and I were a couple and that we were at a fertility clinic seeking advice.

Hahaha. Well it's better than dreaming of incest. Which maaaaay have happened once in the past. Nothing physical okay. Ergh!

And that'd better be it. My dreams had better not venture into paedophilia/necophilia/bestiality/other horrifying perversions.

more human

2008-08-21T17:36:00.004+10:00

It has come to my attention - and great surprise! - that Mom's Bangkok-based Taiwanese friends have been trying to matchmake me. Funnily enough I don't know these Taiwanese ladies. And even more funnily all their recommendations are "well-behaved", "from good backgrounds" and Taiwanese.

They make me smile. I'm not sure they've an insight into my preferences (Dark-skinned, fun, slightly bad-boyish).

But I'm amazed coz I don't think I'm that old. Surely in this modern, open-minded world, peope do this for women at Bridget Jones' age? I.e. 30?

But I suppose after last semester, what with job interviews, decision-making, and thinking about income management for next year, we've all aged.
___________

Two or three patients have recently remarked to my sup, "She'll make a great doctor." Nice. That'll definitely help when my sup does my GP marks. And two others have asked me to return to work at the clinic.

And even though these comments are better interpreted as, "We've no idea how great a doctor you'll be but you're awfully friendly!", they make my day.

Because it means that I've connected with these patients to an extent, and that they appreciate me =D.
___________

I was musing on the train trip back home today just how human - and humane, if you must - I've become. I used to toddle around hating people, the world, and myself, with a 'don't touch me, go away' attitude.

And med's taught me how to appreciate people and the world I live in.

(Yes now you're wondering why I ever entered med in the first place, as a schizoid/paranoid/avoidant creature. But the answer is...I don't know!)

I'm less of a Neptunian than I was 6 years ago. And that's okay coz in the process, I've become a better person =).

a happy little ramble

2008-08-18T22:20:00.008+10:00

The world always seems more beautiful after a storm. Rainbowy and glistening and lively.

It's been a lovely day.

The sun's setting later nowadays. So very considerate of it. I can now see outside the bus windows when homeward-bound, and so amn't as motion sick as I used to be. And I get to appreciate scenery. The pastures & mansions that (also very considerately) line the bus route are amazing. I'm taking my camera one day.

I saw fun cases today in between Gmail chat. I mean I do Gmail chat in between fun cases. Yeah....patients > Gmail chat. Totally.

Besides the 5 or 6 flu cases I saw (yes I'm flu expert now), there was a chap who nail-gunned two fingers. Massive 10cm nail intended for roof tiles. Wowee!There was a 6mo old with the biggest burn blister I've ever seen. Covered 80% of his poor little palm. 5 yo boy with scarlet fever, complete with strawberry tongue & sandpapery rash. Ooooooh.

Fun fun fun. I'm a great fan of acute illness. Unfortunately my highly-revered sup prefers the opposite. So I feign enthusiasm for COPD and hypercholesterolemia and diabetes. Coz he's so cool and English-accented and gentlemanly, I try to be an excellent GP student, just as he tries to be an excellent supervisor.

But I think he realizes and lets me run away to the treatment room frequently enough =P. Ooooh punch biopsies and removal of ingrown toenails and fingers skewered in 10 cm nails. Blood =D. Me likey. It gives me an adrenaline high.

perhaps

2008-08-17T23:09:00.003+10:00

There's a hollowness sometimes.
And tears fall too easily.

And though the brain knows,
That logically the negativity isn't true;
That one's existence may perhaps matter just a little,
That one is perhaps not so very disgusting,
That perhaps one isn't all that unlovable,
One is still unable to shake off the negativity.

And so one leeches off others.
Their friendliness, their humour,
Their amazing zest for life.
And not only do they put up with it,
They remind one that
One's existence may perhaps matter just a little.
So one could carry on a little more.

And perhaps one underdosed on soma last night.

=)

2008-08-13T19:23:00.004+10:00

Haha..sorry for the gloominess on Monday. Gloominess is a bit infectious, but I trust that you've all enough cheerfulness for immunity. =)

I still get a wee bit of break-through PMDD, esp in the early days of luteal phase. But it doesn't last very long.

=)

(Yes I'm back to my happy smiley tumours, over-generously dotting them all over the place. In my emails, my blog posts, my SMSes. I sometimes even wondered if I would be brave enough to use them in my formal emails.)

I'm comfortably euthymic. But sleepy. It's the only soma side effect that affects me still.

*yaaaawn*

meh

2008-08-11T21:36:00.004+10:00

D'oh.

The negative thoughts are harassing me again.
And though I was expecting them.
And though soma takes away the hurt.
Though I don't anymore have to cry or cut or hide in shame.
Though I had a good day.
I still feel heavy.

They tell me that I'm a bad person.
That I'm ugly.
That I'm sadly lacking in everything I value.

But I'll not listen.
Because I know all this negativity is temporary.

Tomorrow I will smile.

pink fairies

2008-08-11T19:41:00.002+10:00

Thank goodness I'm not the only one who's annoyed by the pink fairy/princess costumes! "Girls can't thrive in a puff of pink", The Age

No female offspring of mine will ever end up in such ridiculous outfits. What sexist nonsense! Pffft.

Blue/green/purple fairies I may grudgingly allow.

abbotsford convent

2008-08-09T16:50:00.004+10:00

Don't these choc macaroons look delightful? =D

Unfortunately I found this photo in the recipes section of The Age, and I'll never be able to look upon real ones because no way in hell am I going to attempt baking. It'd just take too much time for one such as me, i.e. a kitchen dunce.

But that's okay. I'll just keep this photo on my desktop and drool over it without fear of dental caries.

And also...

If I'm lucky, I'll satisfy my choc cravings tomorrow. Am attending the Chocolate Rush Festival at the Abbotsford Convent. Shall be there for 9 hours with St John. That's plenty of time for me to sneak off between bandaids and minor abrasions to hunt down free choc samples. Nice. Am already doing some preparatory drooling.

And how beautiful does the convent look in that website photo? I'm quite keen to explore it =).

demister

2008-08-08T21:02:00.004+10:00

No, I didn't pass. I was defeated by the demister. I was very frustrated over it because the driving test guide didn't say I could fail on a demister. It warns the candidate about every other 'immediate failure' faults. You know, like crashing the car or running over a paedestrian or failing to stop at stop sign. But on the topic of demisters, all the guide says is that the test candidate should know where it is. They may deduct points for it, but that's the most they should do.

Anyhow, though I've probably performed the most foolish driving test failure in driving test history, I'm done ranting. Thank you all who gave me an empathetic hug.

I appreciated the day off though. Sup didn't mind haha. I shuffled off to Austin to return very overdue John Murtagh. And played table tennis with Arun and Weed. Ah..how I love tt. Brightened me up wonderfully.

And now I'm playing mahjong with family. Gonna leech some MJ skills off Dad.

on cars and driving

2008-08-07T21:55:00.003+10:00

I'm amused that my sup also drives a silver VW. His is a Golf though.

Driving test tmrw morn in bloody Carlton. New driving test system as well - Vicroads says they've made it harder to weed out drivers who did 120 hrs vs drivers who hadn't.

Lol. Well. I've 52.5 hours. Hopefully my old age covers the remaining 67.5 hours. Yes I'll dazzle the instructor with it. My grey hairs, languidness, all the maturity and wisdom that accompanies age, all the good driving that must certainly accompany maturity and wisdom. Of course I'll take care not to overdo it and pass for a gomere.

To be honest I still can't reverse parallel park between two cars without 10 corrections. Because after 10 corrections I just give up, 60 cm away from the kerb. But in the exam, I'm going to defend my right for a 7meter space and those 3 corrections. And with those, surely I'll manage it? Surely?

Well we'll see tomorrow. Update later.

my ongoing identity crisis

2008-08-05T09:14:00.008+10:00

My personality's undergoing an interesting change. I've become more unreservedly babbly of late. It's not too surprising as my personality's always been fairly undifferentiated, and seems to reflect the company I am in. And being more relaxed with life in general, now that I've a definite job next year, has probably contributed significantly. It allows me to experiment more freely.

I've been developing dependent and borderline traits. Hahaha. The usual me is obsessive-compulsive and avoidant. (And when I was in junior schol I was schizoid/schizotypal, believing that radios/tvs were sending me signs, believing that God was in love with me. Lol. At least I wasn't as bad as to believe me = God, okay? Don't worry, I've no more type A traits, except when I'm on the bus home and I'm paranoid that some middle-aged Chinese man is going to take out a knife and stab me fifty times and pocket my ears.)

I'm avidly waiting for the narcissistic traits to appear. Coz it sounds like heaps of fun. People won't like me as much but hell, I'll like myself so exaggeratedly that it'll all balance out.

But classifications aside, I wonder if this new me is too careless, too inconsiderate in my carelessness. To be sure, it's great fun blurting out every minutiae on my mind without the effort of quality-controlling one's every thought and every word. But how un-fun would it be to be the recipient of such a mess. And how terrible if the mess causes pain.

So yeh, I'll try to use my frontal lobe more.
_________________

Fun patients in GP land.

Young man hobbling around with massive DVT from calf to thigh has finally agreed to go to hospital for anticoagulation, after days of GP effort to convince him that IT'S A FREAKIN' EMERGENCY and that he's risking preventable, premature death and leaving his poor little 7yo son fatherless.

Pregnant woman with chronic urticaria. Twas so cool to see. Little white weals would pop up everywhere she scratched. And holy shit she had the rash all over her body. The woman was so frustrated with the rash that she'd risk her baby and try any medication available. (Well it was her sixth child after all.)

Man with cerebellar stroke, presenting purely with ataxia. And the ataxia even resolved within hours despite proven infarct. 0_o

And the cutest 5yo girl whom I was examining because she'd tripped and knocked her head at daycare. I asked if I could listen to her heart and she nods shyly and says in an adorable 5yo voice, "Yes because I like you." Awwwww. She's such a bashful little thing and it gives one a nice warm feeling to have gained her trust.

yay weekend!

2008-08-02T15:34:00.006+10:00

Ah.. the first week of the semester has ended. And though it's been fulfilling and fun, I'm very glad to have the weekend to recharge.

Was shamefully sleepy yesterday at drinks with friends =P=P. In my defence, I'd already had some alcohol & a table tennis session with Calvin/Weed.

But no escape route presented itself at 12.30am =(. The trains'd stopped running, and I wasn't certain if trams were still running in my area. So I attempted to snooze whilst friends & acquaintances energetically chatted around me. But the almighty no sleeping policy wasn't to be trifled with and Jez disturbed my slumber at least four times and the bartender himself came up to me once to remind me with a gentle tap on the knee. Hehehe. People put up with me pretty well anyhow.

Drove around Prahran and Toorak today with Mom. Two property inspections, two auctions, obtained a general idea of the area, and improved my low-speed manoeuvres in preparation of driving test next Friday. Very very fun =). I esp loved watching the auctions. If I'm selling the Richmond townhouse in the future, I'm most likely doing it by auction.

Reading:
Charles Dickens' Bleak House. A very entertaining read so far. His character development's always very insightful, realistic, and believable, though, as Weed points out, the characters tend to be caricatures. Impressive. And I adore his clever and subtle sense of humour. I wish I had more time to read it.

Listening to:

Rihanna - Disturbia

Amateur Transplants - You're a Paedophile

d'oh

2008-07-31T22:18:00.005+10:00

I've got a terrible tendency to lead guys on. Unintentionally, mind you! I'm not as immoral and selfish as that, sacrificing others to feed my own ego.

No, it just gradually happens. I befriend guy platonically and guy thinks he's got a chance for something else. And this has happened at least five times in the past, screwing up seemingly healthy friendships.

Jez's triggered all this worry coz he tells me, from what I've incidentally related, that Beemer orthopod "wants to do" me. Nooooo way!! He's 32! *I* don't see anything unplatonic about the friendship.

Now I've gotta wonder if I'm getting too close to St John computer man. He's only 25 so all the more worry.

Ugh. I'm terrible with sensing these things because I can't be objective. So how many friendships am I actually misreading?

more gp land

2008-07-30T20:40:00.004+10:00

Haha..I'm so unimaginative nowadays with my blog entry headings. I can see where this will end up going durign the next five weeks. Did you ever as a kid come across the book series, 'Tell me why'? The subsequent volumes were titled 'More tell me why', 'Still more tell me why', 'Lots more tell me why' and 'Here's more tell me why'. It irritated the hell out of me when I was a kid because I thought the titles so incredibly dumb and uncreative. I stuck faithfully to the first volume and never touched a single one of the others. Anyhow. I suspect I'm going to be progressively dumber and more uncreative over the next few weeks...

Coz I'm always so bloody tired from the travel. It takes me 1.5-3 hours to get home. And the trip inevitably renders me carsick. Ugh. I hate the buses. They twist about so, in order to service all the little semi-rural residential streets. And I hate the trains. They shake and jolt all the way from Albion to Southern Cross. Perhaps to make it harder for western suburb druggies to use their goodies on those highly favoured inter-carriage platforms.

I don't mind the morning trips so much coz I'm driving. Gawd it's an absolute joy to drive at 110km/h on the Western Freeway. I'm now so conditioned to freeway driving that I speed in my underground carpark.

Yeh anyhow. GP land's been cool. My sup's training me to write referral letters for him. And now he's suggesting that I sign the referral letters and communicate directly with the specialists. Holy crap 0_o. I'm being upgraded from vaccines & ear wax removal?!?! To vaccines & ear wax AND paperwork between drs?!?! I dunno why I'm so excited but I am. Tis a glimpse of the cool world next year.

I've got most of my GP hurdle requirements planned for me without my needing to exercise a single brain cell. Nice. A health check lined up for tomorrow. And a care plan in a week's time. And the extremely funny Serbian GP next door has found me a very good long case. So good in fact that this patient will be used for a certain big specialist exam. But that's all I'm allowed to say or Serbian GP won't help me anymore.

But maybe I really should start waking up those brain cells. I'm horrified at how much revision I need. I was holding an ECG yest. And there was a full min's delay before I could remember how to calculate the heart rate.

Lalala I'll get there. Ok I'll stop rambling now and give my blog a break. Prob should do some revision now. Hmm. Should I? Or should I chat on MSN?

gp land

2008-07-28T22:09:00.002+10:00

My Melton West GP placement, in that uncomfortably hazy zone between rural and metropolitan, (requiring lengthy travel yet not qualifying for reimbursement from the uni), is, I'm glad and grateful to say, ¡excelente!

The medical centre is an impressive conglomeration of general practice, radiology, pathology, minor surgery, physiotherapy, optometry, pharmacy and a cool cafe. And everyone (but for the physios) bulk-bills! 18 drs. 4 nurses. Ah. Plenty of people to leech knowledge and experience from.

On being introduced to my huge 5-week playground, I felt like Po, the Kung-fu panda, in the room of ancient Kung-fu relics. =D Oh I'm so going to love this. The radiologist that works here was previously the head of the radiology department at Northern!! And there'll be suturing!! Which my supervisor'll let me do coz he's overly fond of it.

My supervisor, now. He's one of the youngest consultants there. I'm guessing mid-30s. From the UK. And so amazingly friendly and thoughtful! He'd already planned my schedule, sent an introductory email for me to all the other GPs, put together a warning poster for the patients with details extracted from the page Melb Uni asked me to send him, all prior to my arrival. And although he starts at 7am or 8am most days, I'm allowed to arrive at 9 or 10 =D.

Though the cafe serves excellent and cheap food, there're drug companies who provide lunch thrice weekly. And today's drug rep handed out free copies of the 2007 Therapeutic Guidelines for Analgesia. A copy of which, of course, the medical student got her grubby hands on. Although she's very unlikely to use it, as she hardly ever consults the 2004 edition that already sits in her personal library. But free things seems to appeal irresistibly to her Asian soul.

But it'll just be today that I leech off drug reps at the clinic. My supervisor avoids drug reps on principle, and would rather dine alone than receive drug company favours! So out of loyalty, I'll probably quit the freebie lunches, and opt for cafe food.

the prospective home

2008-07-26T22:16:00.006+10:00

Alright. Richmond place's contract and deposit have been finalized. Now we are awaiting the moving date in late Oct, and are meanwhile headaching about furniture and a few internal fittings.

Here's a great link a businessman friend provided. Real Estate Institute of Victoria re median housing price trends. (This site normally needs a login, but this link bypasses the login page =P.) The graphs are quite interesting. In most suburbs, there was a huge property appreciation between Sept 06 to Dec 07. But most of the prices have plateaued or dropped slightly since Dec 07, as today's Age article has pointed out. Toorak, unsurprisingly, had the greatest leap of 66% (holy crap!!) during the Sept 06-Dec 07 period.

Melb CBD, in the graph above, more modestly, at 23%. We very luckily purchased our city property at point in time indicated by blue arrow.

And now we get rid of city property and swap it for one in Richmond.

And here's Richmond, who's also done a scary job of appreciation. 52% between Sept 06-Dec 07! Meet blue arrow once again.

We've caught the graph when it's dropping (and even got the property at 70k less than its current value). The graph'll probably change direction again soon in a few more years. But it doesn't matter any more, really, as long as the property retains its value, as it's not fundamentally for investment purposes.

I'm glad we've finally decided on a house. No more property inspections to rush to. All in all, I'm very happy with the choice. And now the fun's just beginning...

a little bit of cloudiness

2008-07-26T15:44:00.007+10:00

Hmm. I've just revisited yesterday's blog entry, and I confess I'm just a teeny bit embarrassed by all that candour and sentimentality that must've been brought on by morning haziness. You know. That initial cloudiness one faces every morning upon awakening? Or maybe it's just my brain; older machines take longer to start up.

Some secrets should stay in the closet for now.

E.g. I should've kept quiet about liking Katy Perry's I Kissed a Girl song. Too many people have believed me recently when I claimed to be from Lesbos. But it *is* a good song, and Katy Pery's so cute in the video. Check it out:

Anyhow.. I should temporarily refrain from blogging, as I'd just woken up from an afternoon nap, and a little cumulus cloud floats about in my head still. I might again be too careless with that closet door d'oh.

unbreakable

2008-07-25T10:34:00.007+10:00

Ah...day two of follicular phase and I am unbreakably happy. (I apologize for announcing my menstrual cycle phases but well. You'll survive.)

The change is immediately palpable. I wake up every morning brimming with happiness. And the happiness accompanies me through the entire day.

I wonder if this wonderful feeling will last well into the semester. Stress helps me focus on work but it also makes me grumpier.

But I shall enjoy this whilst I can. And I shall spread the joy.

With great happiness comes great responsibility =P=P. I wish everyone could be as contented as me.
________________

I owe my friends a great deal. The Brisbane girls, the St Johnnies, but most importantly, the meddies. Ah you have all been so wonderful these holidays. Thank you all for letting me belong, for not requiring me to prove anything.

=P

Okay. I shall reveal an embarrassing secret of mine: I am a great sop when it comes to platonic love. Because platonic love can be so pure, uncontaminated by romantic ulterior motives. Neither is it forced upon one, as siblings and parents are. It is just camaraderie and appreciation of one another, a love brewed with time and mutual effort. None of the other forms of love can affect me the same way.

With my shy and reserved nature, solid friendships do not come easily to me. Perhaps this is why I value my reliable, long-term friendships all the more.

And I enjoy observing other ppl's platonic relationships as well. HC & Kev, JJ & Bei, etc.

When Wei crashed his car the other day, everyone crowded around him to offer support. JJ used personal anecdotes to reassure Wei of how commonplace these occurences are. Chao offered to accompany Wei back to Glennie in the car, though it was clearly out of Chao's way. And throughout, Wei just stood there dazed =P.

In spite of the horrid accident that triggered this display of support and care, I have to say that it was beautiful to witness. Yes, twas platonic love.

Okay, I'll end it there, for fear of being labelled crazy woman.

tolerant me

2008-07-22T23:24:00.004+10:00

Over the last few weeks, I've realized....
......how tolerant and amiable a person I am!

Hahaha.

"Self-praise is no praise," is one of Waimay's (an RMH meddie) favourite quotes. Yes, yes, that I know.

But I've other people who'll vouch for me. I've friends nobody else befriends.

At St John social night just then, I've realized how much I've tolerated, ranging from Loser bunny's egotism to Josh's ADHD behaviour. Whilst people bad-mouthed each other, as people do, after they've worked with each other, I could only listen. And nod in agreement occasionally when revelations hit a very surprised me.

I rather tend to see people's good qualities. So I can leech and copy. And people's negative qualities I just brush aside impatiently when I notice them. Because it doens't help me to dwell on these.

Well yes, admittedly, people *can* still get on my nerves. I am not made of stone. But it takes a great deal to get on my nerves. 1. You'd have to be a really harmful bugger, intentionally or otherwise. 2. You'd have to cause great (potential) harm to undeserving bystanders. And if they're my valued friends & lil sis, then I'm doubly indignant. If you attempt to harm *me* hahah I'm resilient. I don't even notice unless I'm in PMDD mode. And now that I've got paroxetine you don't even need bother try.

Yes. I despise you. If you're a sexist or racist bastard. (Ageism I'll allow. Coz I do that a bit myself. Kiddies. Ugh!!!) If you take advantage of people. Misuse their generosity or naivety. If you're a sadistic antisocially-personality-disordered bully. Then damn you to hell. I don't actually believe in hell but that's beside the point.

But all you social misfits. The ADHDs. The loners. The insecure. The overly talkative. The overly quiet. If your heart's not overly evil, I'll befriend you. Because I pity you. Because to some extent I sympathize.

=)
__________

Badminton!! Stupid Jeremy. He named every one of his badminton shots. Bouncing Dragon. Triple Dragon. Lurking Dragon. Mini-dragon. He and Andy utilized a lot of psychological warfare on Feif and me. And shamefully I must say it did affect us. Initially because we were laughing, later because we were just so damn irritated.

=)

2008-07-20T00:59:00.003+10:00

And I am proud to report that smile I did. For much of the day in fact. St J went very smoothly. Properly met Lisa-marie and Xenia. Chatted with two of the Melb Girls College cadets. Am happy to say that my psychoanalysis has progressed! Ah, a fun morning!

Eyeballed more properties in arvo. Maybe even prematurely signed a few forms. Maybe.

Saw Dark Knight with the med guys & law girls. Now it's not that I'm betraying the med girls. It's simply that I amn't free on Tuesday night, when the girls plan to watch it.

The social atmosphere did wonders for my mood. Movie was excellent! *Heart* Batman. My favourite superhero of all time. And this movie once again validates my respect and adoration of him. Oh he is wonderful. There was an African-American side character who's also worthy of worship. He's the one with a tattoo on the nape. You'll recognize him when you see him.

Most of us felt a post-movie meal was due. So we hung out in the food court. Chatted mostly with Wei and Hannah. Met Andrew's visiting British friend ;). Very pretty and fun, that one. Was entertained by Jun-wei's persistant efforts to overcome Gerald's mysterious quietness. And there were Chao-and-Andrew-in-bed-simultaneously!! stories.

Ah.. I am all smiles.

tomorrow

2008-07-18T20:46:00.003+10:00

I've been an ungrateful, querulous, temperamental thing today. It's just a mood I woke up with, an obstinate black dog that follows me everywhere, which remains with me still. I've quarantined myself as best I could from normal society, from those that are emotionally sound, so that I do not infect them. Indeed, I stayed in bed the majority of the day. Here I am still.

Perhaps I could've enjoyed that Ants Bistro dinner with Char, Suz and their college friends. Perhaps I could've derived gaiety from watching the guys drink. But I do not feel like applying the required energy. Oh yes, the law of conservation of energy is by far my favourite, and most observed, one. Laziness is an excellent creature.

Inscrutable, this moodiness. I'd been fine for a full luteal week. I've even doubled today's soma. But the black dog would not budge its unwieldy ass that it's planted at the foot of my bed. Guarding me. Guarding the exit to peace.

It brings to the fore some thoughts which had hitherto been swimming around unchallenged in my subconscious.

I have abused friendships offered in good faith. Multiple times, recurrent themes. I've attempted to mend what I've harmed, yet my clumsy patches afford little. As much as I can try to speed up the healing, I cannot heal for them. I suspect the abuse continues still. I wonder if I'm one of the most harmful people in existence. Am I irresponsibly using the power that's fallen on me by chance?

*sigh*

Well. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow, I will look in the mirror with rose-tinted glasses, and accept what I see.

Tomorrow I will smile. I swear it.

hmmmmmmm

2008-07-18T14:15:00.007+10:00

Over the last month, Mom's dragged me along to 20 different property inspections. And she herself's probably seen 30-40.

And now Mom's in love with a townhouse. Uh oh. Mom's quite an impulsive buyer. So unless I work really hard to dissuade her, she's going to go ahead with it.

But the problem is I'm still fence-sitting myself and can't figure out which way to persuade her. I fear Monday'll come too late.

Anyhow. Here's the property. 3-storey, 3 bedroom, 3 bathrooms (oh the power of the number 3). The interior was self-designed by a designer, constructed by his relatives and connections, built for personal use. Knowing this, one shoudln't be too surprised by the er interesting exterior.

Mom likes it. I'm sure it'll grow on me if I had to look at this daily.

The interior, however, is very appealing. A lot of thought, care and love has gone into this house. It's what's pulled me from a definite no to fence-sitting.

Decent location, shopping centre and tram line nearby. But it's still a downgrade from our current location. We lose the library, the train station, the 7-eleven, the East Melbourne-ness. Swapping all that for a bigger space and land of our own. And the selling price is reasonable. Mom loves a bargain (she's Asian yeh) and I wonder if that's a big contributing factor to her interest in this property =P.

More and more new cases are being thrown out into the market. Even in East Melbourne. Owners are probably selling their couple million dollar homes whilst the dollar is so strong, and moving overseas to the UK or US to enjoy that money. With the crashing US housing market, they'd probably be able to purchase some lovely mansions there lol.

So yeh..perhaps something better'll appear if we waited. House prices may even drop a little in the coming months, with more competing sellers. *shrug*.

Well I'll try to at least stall her till Monday. And try to figure out what I want.

hmmm

2008-07-18T11:17:00.002+10:00

どうしたの?
知らない.

Such strangeness outside. The streets are wet. The sky is all whiteness. The city seems so dreamlike.

i feel sporty for a day

2008-07-17T18:35:00.006+10:00

Basketball with Siaw in the morn. He's quite good. No really! He played for ten years in high school and college. Sound technique, beautiful form. Oh yes, I leeched and learned. I'm going back down to the hoop sometime soon. Gonna perfect my shooting skills! =D

Table tennis with Huichen and Weird One at Austin in arvo. Good exercise and fun company =D. HC's around my level, though slightly more advanced. The ideal opponent. One that'd challenge you to develop new skills without making you feel incompetent and hopeless. And the Weird One's improved heaps. Excelente!
___________

Mom and I went to check out an East Melbourne apartment for sale. And on the way back we happened upon a town house inspection. Oooh. One of those classic East Melb Victorian town houses worth $2.5-3 million. 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom. And breathtakingly beautiful interiorly. Ooooooh. Grossly outside our budget but something I'll keep in mind for later haha. When I'm an osteoporotic LOL (little old lady). And still working to pay off my mortgage haha.

insomniac me

2008-07-16T23:37:00.003+10:00

Alrighty I'm back. Still smiling, mind you - nothing can drag me down today. But I'm rather weary of attempting to sleep. Alas..slumber refuses to visit me, though I've very patiently waited for 1.5 hours. I'm solidly stuck in this wide-eyed wakefulness, bored and tired of happy bounding sheep.

Most have already retired to bed, both at home and on MSN. How quiet the night is =). The whole world is mine, if only for this moment.

art deco!!!

2008-07-16T18:40:00.005+10:00

Ollie and I spent three hours in NGV's Art Deco exhibition!

My favorite pieces:

François Pompon
Polar bear 1927
bronze

Jean Dupas
Parakeets (Les Perruches) 1925
oil on canvas

Goodness!! I want that polar bear!! Apparently there's a life-size one somewhere in existence. Oooooh. I want to see it! There were some very beautiful vases too. I want =D.

Was lucky enough to catch a tour during the time we were there. Channel Ten's weatherman was there too for today's 5pm news. Was amusing watching him do weather report rehearsals at the Art Deco exhibition.

And apparently Kev was there too at 4, having a job interview with Persamen, the NGV restaurant. Lol...totally missed him.

*contented sigh* Such a happy arvo. Despite Mom monopolizing my morn, forcing me to view 5 properties within the space of 2 hours & rendering me carsick with her abrupt braking and turns whilst attempting to locate the properties. Aaaaarghhh she won't stop badgering me about these properties!! I keep begging her to wait till next Mon, to no avail. But yes.. Art Deco more than balances out the housing headaches.

I'm going to keep smiling for the rest of the night =D =D =D.

something disgusting

2008-07-15T10:24:00.006+10:00

On the train to Glennie for girls' night, a fully suited up respectable-looking 48yo man sitting near me started conversing with me. And I obliged, for I'm used to encountering chatty commuters who'd forgotten to prepare entertainment for the train.

We chatted, we joked. He'd migrated from Italy at 12 and now works for the government. He's into acupuncture and Chinese medicine etc etc.

And then he became strange. He took my hand to 'guess my age'. And believing this to be part of his fascination with Asian arts - acupuncture/palm reading/I dunno, I let him. And he started massaging it 0_o. And even tried to reach up my arm, to my shoulders. He asked me to sit next to him, said he'd like to have a walk with me at his station if I had the time, asked me if I found him attractive. Despite prominent gold wedding ring that adorns his finger.

Gross ain't it. But I'm to blame too. I know Steph's rather disgusted with me, for not saying, "Give me my hand back, you pervert!" But I've not the nature to make a fuss in public.

And this may sound horrible but somewhere subconsciously, amazed by how inappropriately this person was acting in public, I was curious how far he'd dare go, in broad daylight, surrounded by other train passengers.

My problems are 1. I'm too tolerant, almost to the extent of doormatting myself. 2. I don't have enough fear in me. When one doesn't fear death, one doesn't fear anything, I like to say.

But I see that I should be more careful. Yes, yes. I'll learn. =)

leave out all the rest

2008-07-13T22:43:00.005+10:00

This song is beautiful. I cannot seem to get sick of it. Linkin Park's been experimenting more widely, and this is a successful softer version of their usual rock. Me likey.

Leave Out All The Rest
Linkin Park

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well
Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

the little disaster

2008-07-13T18:14:00.006+10:00

I spent eight hours at Kew Rovers Football for St John today....with Josh 0_o. Josh is a 14 yo cadet, with an established reputation for talkativeness. Many times more so than Guy. In fact Guy was rather insulted when I compared him to Josh. He calls Josh a 'disaster'.

Anyhow...I was stuck with Josh in the St J vehicle for 8 hours straight. Luckily I had Jen's company in the morn and Ying's in the arvo to buffer the Joshness. I'm rather proud I survived. I'm probably one of the few people who can tolerate Josh's company. Jen and Guy prefer rewarding Josh to shut up (he gets around it by trying to communicate via Auslan), but I find him more entertaining when he's talking.

He's ridiculously energetic. I screened him for ADHD and was rather surprised he doesn't have the features. One minute he's plucking out my grey hairs - without my permission!, the next minute dancing to Justin Timberlake in the back seat, the next quizzing me on capital cities.

And OMG he flirted with me!!!! Arghhhhhhh. It is beyond wrong!!!! He hijacked my planner and drew a love heart on the first page. "AW + JLK 4ever". And he framed the heart with roses. OMG kid. I'm freaked out. And on the trip back he winked at me and called me hot. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. I have no wish to be labelled a paedophile. Or to be suspected of paedophila. I want my Working with Children Check to come back clean, okay. Argh this kid really pushes the boundaries. I'm so damn disturbed. Is this normal for teenage boys? I can understand it coming from elderly men, but this?!?! 0_o

On the plus side, he says he's got Tarot Cafe volume 7 and all the episodes of Blassreiter - nice..I leech. Oh and he prefers yaoi to yuuri. Perhaps he's gay after all. =P

busy weekend

2008-07-12T16:27:00.005+10:00

Had breakfast with Somerville Brisbane girls today on Bridge Rd. Suz, the chemical engineer, is on a break from the mines and returning to civilization for a conference in Melb. Lil's visiting her Melb-based bro and touring Melbourne with her bf. And Char I hadn't had time to meet up with during the semester, what with her law internship and my nuturing grey hairs during paeds/womens. Jenny (also a Somerville girl, but originating from a diff high school coterie) came along too, being Char's housemate and landlord. Megan was there too. I don't know why but she's nice company. And Jack, Jen and Char's accountant-housemate, their "accessorizing handbag", who gets dragged along to all the girls' social events, was also accessorizing at breakfast.

I'm proud of myself, that I was able to wake up so early and stay fairly awake, alert and un-grumpy throughout the day despite 5 hours' sleep. Due to SSSA drinks and late night clubbing at Seven.

Ooh I'll throw in photos since my current insomniac brain is giving me plenty of blogging time. These are from Steph's collection:

SSSA drinks. Now I'm sorry to cause you embarrassment, Ken. But this is too good a photo to waste. Steph made a joke just as Jez was about to take the photo, and Ken doubled over with laughter into an unfortunate position.

My wonderful clubbing friends =D. Yes, the sleep deprivation was worth it.

Okay, back to Somerville reunion. Chronological order matters little to a sleepy mind which can't fall asleep.

Well Jenny, Megan and Jack left us soon after breakfast. I took us all to Chapel Street since Lil needed a Cafe Greco cheesecake for a friend back in Sydney and Suz wished some arts&crafts materials to occupy the long nocturnal hours she spends supervising the mines. And thank goodness Martini'd shown me around the other day. I am extremely grateful!

It was a great arvo. Suz and I, the most tomboyish of the lot (she more so than me, I've to say!) walked quickly ahead, forced the group to run for trams, and even at one stage literally skipped along, arm-in-arm. We're rather silly together, and our mental ages seem to decrease significantly. Suz was my first friend at Somerville, I recall. We always raced to and from our English classes lol.

Twas great to D&M with Lil again, whilst admiring the Chapel St Bazaar displays. Lil was my best friend back in high school, and chatting to her is so damn refreshing. Her boyfriend joined us later on. And at Lil's request, I tried to psychoanalyze him as best I could without being rude =P.

And Char, as clever and funny as ever. Dux of Somerville for every year she'd been there. Freaky woman =). I'm glad her wit and sense of humour remain unchanged.

They make me feel feminine once again. And goodness how we talk! I've never witnessed anything like it at the meddies' guy nights.

*yawwwwwn* Alright, I think I'm due for another attempt at sleep. Another St J duty early tmrw morn. Guy couldnt' find another available member, so I offered. I'm not sure that was right. I shall be watching kiddies kick around a football from 9am till 5pm. 0_o

volunteer work

2008-07-11T15:39:00.004+10:00

Was obliged to staff today's St John duty at Melbourne Grammar rugby finals due to lack of availability of members & to my guilt from MIA-ness for the last four months.

Twas just Guy and me. Quiet duty though busy event, with international teams from e.g. Japan, New Zealand, Sri Lanka. The most interesting we had was a concussion. Our duty was rendered all the quiter by a(n arrogant) parent/doctor patrolling the field, intercepting most of our casualties and only redirecting us the boring leftover cases. Ooh I sound a bit bitter do I? Nah, just annoyed that he looks down on us. At least do the Hancock line, "Good job." If *Hancock* can manage that line, superhero to measly cops, almightly parent/dr can manage it to St Johnnies. Good free food anyhow. And Guy and I passed away 5 lazy hours contently chatting. He let me psychoanalyze him and I gave him medical student stories in exchange. He's a very ambitious one and I spent a while trying to figure out exactly why =P. Though only 19, he's already done a great deal of entrepreneuring and boasts a self-earned 1997 Cadillac. Craaaaziness.

a great deal of walking

2008-07-09T18:40:00.007+10:00

I had a lovely tour of the city and Chapel Street today. Despite living so close to both, I only realized today how many corners I've left unexplored. So many beautiful and exciting places! I wish I had my camera with me, but Grace can't remember where she's placed it =(.

Martini, my favourite friend to bother for Melbourne-exploration advice, is the knowledgeable tour guide who accompanied me today. We wandered through numerous city alleys, and now I've a whole new list of cafes, restaurants, dessert places to sample =D.

Afterwards, we trammed to the Prahran Market's Essential Ingredient, which is full of culinary wonders that I, as a cooking dunce, had never before encountered. Persian fairy floss, an impressive selection of kitchen knives, fancy blenders, cooking rosebuds, strange-looking candied fruits. And they even have foie gras. Ooooooh. An utterly foreign world =D.

We then wandered up and down Chapel Street and did plenty of window shopping. We didn't enter many shops - not because our tastes differ, and we wished to be considerate of each other - but because we are both quite happily window shoppers. He bumped into his friends, and I mine. Saw Chrissie, in her usual Goth attire - I hear it's a religion for her, and Blixa, oddly enough using a ciggie in his mom's presence, on their way to the Jam Factory for the St John recruitment DVD Premiere.

Martini and I had lunch at Lucky Coq, a pub which serves excellent $4 pizza during lunchtime. Many comfy sofa upstairs.

My favourate newly-discovered store would be the massive Chapel Street op shop, which contans all sorts of fascinating little bundles of old-fashionedness. Heavy, bold beaded necklaces, large gemstones earrings set in fading metal, yellowed novels, delicate tea sets, children's discarded toys, wooden puppets, gold-framed mirrors... Almost anything you can imagine 0_o. Am definitely coming back.

Ganache was our last stop of the day. It's a cozy little chocolate lounge on Toorak Road, with a chocolate selection as diverse as Koko Black's. The furnishings are simple but chocolatey. The deeply brown sofas and chairs are very nicely balanced by the milky-white tables. Makes me think of Koko Black actually =P. But the choc is just as good, I think. I recommend their Earl Grey dark chocolate and the new geranium chocolate. So very fragrant in your mouth =). Try it.

st john revisited

2008-07-08T23:37:00.004+10:00

Resumed St John after a long hiatus tonight, at my division's Annual General Meeting. Fun =D New members have since joined. Outspoken, humorous lot. I so look forward to psychoanalyzing each and every one of them. I've already begun, in fact! A solicitor, a trainer at the College of Surgeons (ooooooh!), a teacher of autistic kids, a ?computer engineer/software programmer/computer electrician (oh I don't know! I just call him IT man #2. Loser Bunny is IT man #1). And I'm happy to say I respect each of them. Lovely people.

I also caught up with old friends. Jen - as critical of everything as ever! But only where appropriate. She's so good-hearted, any injustice to a stranger renders her indignant. Dorothy - still old, wise and motherly. Dawn - OMG she's getting married (at 50 =P), but she still fulfilled her previous role of superintendent by reading out the AGM summary in her usual gentle manner. And Guy. OMG that guy is still ridiculously hyper. And Loser Bunny happens to be overseas on holiday but it would've been nice to talk to him too. (And seeing the other meddies would've been nice too. *cough* Gopher *cough*)

Oh gosh...I'm going into too much detail about the St John members. But I'm just so very happy that familiar people are still unchanged and that new interesting people have appeared. I'm really excited about the upcoming duties and meetings =D.

what i've done

2008-07-07T12:55:00.004+10:00

I've never flattered myself with the belief that I cannot hurt people. But somehow, it's always a surprise to me when I actually harm. And recently, there've been several such occasions, springing from the most harmless of intentions. And I'm so surprised and horrified, not only of the power of my actions, but also of the carelessness that characterizes them. And what's even sadder, I know I can't attribute it all to hypomania from my druggie habits.

*sigh* Yeah. Anyway...

What I've Done - Linkin Park

So let mercy come and wash away
What I've done.
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become.
Erase myself
and let go of what I've done.

It's a cool song =). Check it out if you don't already have it in your music collection.
_____________

RMH interview today. And I was fortunate to have a good group, full of familiar faces =). Eddie, Hieu, Chris Carter, George (a pleansant and easy-going rural grad) and David Steed. And we were all so chatty and supportive of each other. Niiiice. I'm not an interviewy person and every happy incidental matters.

window-shopping

2008-07-06T19:38:00.006+10:00

Been busily window-shopping - for properties! Even more entertaining than shopping for clothes and earrings.

There was an auction yesterday. A lovely little town house in East Melbourne.
2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom
166 square metres
Proposed price: 800-880k
Sold for: 925k

Oooooh (in that John Hudson tone, usually triggered by some grossly abnormal kiddie bits.)

And I've been admiring another beautiful property.
2-storey unit, East Melbourne
2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms
111 square metres.
Price estimate: 700-750k. Plus 10% = probably selling for 800k via auction.

*Droooooool*. Quiero. But no money right now =).

Oooh and these auctions! They simultaneously fascinate and intimidate me. I'm going to train myself up by sticky-beaking in as many as auctions I can, so that one day when I'm on the other side of the shop window, I'll be prepared =).

deficiencies

2008-07-05T09:24:00.006+10:00

Silly, this self-inflicted sadness.
For if one expects nothing,
One shan't want.
_________

It's irritating. I long for the holidays during the semester. But when the holidays arrive, I feel directionless and empty. Must resist urge to oversleep and couch-potato all day...

outside

2008-06-29T17:48:00.009+10:00

His pink nose at the window pane,
Cautiously he peers
Through the brick frame.
Outside, a heavy wind
Huff-puffing unrelentingly.
Says the third lil one to himself,
“My house's the strongest of them all,
But if this persists,
Won't one day it fall?”

Okay, okay, this is my last procrastinatory post today, I promise. 0_o

to the moon and back

2008-06-29T16:53:00.004+10:00

She can't remember a time
When she felt needed
If love was red then she was colour-blind
All her friends they've been tried for treason
And crimes that were never defined
She's saying
Love is like a barren place
And reaching out for human faith is
Is like a journey I just don't have a map for
So baby gonna take a dive and push the shift to overdrive
Send a signal that she's hanging all her hopes on the stars

Dammit. She's a softie after all.

gratitude

2008-06-29T16:34:00.003+10:00

Gratitude.
Humbling beastie
That'll bite me in the ass when I'm not looking.

yellow smiley

2008-06-28T18:34:00.006+10:00

After a brief study break in the Austin library photocopying room, competing with Jez in guessing photocopier access codes (I found two in the space of 10 min. Beat that Jeremy! Muahaha!), I migrated to the common room, where I like to perch on a sofa and recite Vivian’s 120 model answers.

There I found three ?medical students, ?random parasitic non-hospital staff who managed to sneak in, playing table tennis and conversing...in Thai!

And it is just such an incredibly soothing language that I sat there absent-mindedly for a full fifteen minutes, absorbing the pleasantness. Thais have an adorable tendency to drawl their vowel sounds, giving their speech a perpetual lazy, relaxed and cheery tone.

I love it.
___________

Paeds OSCEs & slide quiz. I went in smiling. I came out smiling. The material was so very reasonable (c.f. RAPP/psych/ED exams). And the OSCE examiners were nice. As were the simulated patients. As were the fake babies. And the half baby.

Yes...I'm in such a comfortable mood. Oh follicular phase. Never again shall I take you for granted. You make me happier and more normal than any paroxetine dose. You shall henceforth be marked out in red hearts on my calendar. Well no not really. I shall enjoy my euthymia in a sane manner. Just yellow smiley faces then.

i don't know where you're going

2008-06-25T00:03:00.006+10:00

Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile.
The precious moments are all lost in the tide.
They're swept away, and nothing is what is seems,
The feeling of belonging to your dreams.

I don't know where you're going,
And I don't know why.
But listen to your heart.

Well actually, Jez favours another part of the anatomy. Follow your gut feeling, says he.

But Mom's irreconcilable to the concept. So where does that leave me, I wonder.

'angel'

2008-06-21T22:42:00.001+10:00

"You're not an angel anymore."

That's the line my grade 2 teacher used to express her extreme displeasure with me. We were marking our own maths homework as she read out the answers. And the perfectionist 7-year-old me, horrified that I'd made so many mistakes, ticked some (okay maybe several lalala) of the wrong answers.

I was discovered by the teacher. From then on we never marked our own papers. And her words have tenaciously stayed with me.

I'm now perpetually trying to deserve my name, directed by an authoritarian conscience which gets very corrosive when displeased.

It's an odd name to own. I don't feel it's truly mine because I share 'angel' with religion, pop music, a cake, a drug, and a male TV show vampire. Yet at the same time I like and respect the word, for the goodness it's supposed to represent. And silly as it sounds, the bit of 'angel' that I have claim to - purely on the merit of it being my name, I want to keep as white as possible.

what's this?

2008-06-18T18:44:00.003+10:00

What's this we see?
A captain hailing
from Cook High?
No!
Non-believers here abide.
A diamond or
A lump of coal?
Illusions tease,
We must pay heed!
A woolly wolf this be?
Oh my,
What warmth, what softness
But what big eyes!
We tread with care,
If
We should dare.

0_o

2008-06-17T09:29:00.003+10:00

One of my aunt's just recently purchased a penthouse in Taiwan for AUD 4 million. Goodness. Give me a property a quarter that value and I'm queen of the world. Give me a property 1/8th that value and I'm sheltered very comfortably. Living in a 4 million flat - and without kids and pets! - is, to me, unthinkable. One'd be an ant in a football field! What does one do with all that space?! I've got to see for myself next I'm in Taiwan...

oh let me share the grumpiness

2008-06-16T14:14:00.002+10:00

I skipped my doses on the weekend. Paroxetine's soporific in my system, and well..I rather enjoy clarity of thought. Especially when there're exams to study for. That and... my mind was too quiet when on paroxetine. I was only able to stare blankly about me, in a struggle to stay awake, whereas normally I can daydream, I can ponder, I can label passers-by all sorts of lovely and unlovely names.

Undrugged, I woke up this morning with enough grumpiness to outdo ten grouchy Oscars.(Well to be fair, Oscar's not all that grouchy; he's a freaking kiddie show character.) Every task was performed with the utmost listlessness and indolence that I ended up missing my Epping train. Mom agreed to take me by car, goodness knows why she cares to go to that extent for me, but gawd I'm grateful.

I was all the grumpier on realizing that I would not have the company of Gopher and Don Quixote at the tutorial. Gopher has the unusual ability of cheering me up and DQ is always full of silly comments and intellectual challenges. Such great resources which I enjoy tapping into with my parasitic tentacles.

I was deposited at the Epping Plaza car park. As I trudged heavily towards the hospital, feeling ever so close to a deluge, I caught sight of the artist heading for the same entrance. Now the artist can be delightful company in the correct circumstances, but she is obstinately unable to comprehend my behavioural and conversational signs of disinterest (I won't list them here for fear I might one day use them when speaking to you).

For try as I might to tune in to yet another tale of relationship woes, I could not well disguise my straying concentration, being too busily brewing the emo-ness. 'Your problem is you expect him to be a boyfriend when you're only dating. You expect him to be a husband when he's your boyfriend,' I wanted to say to her. 'And whilst that's perfectly okay, most guys don't see it that way.' But saying so would hardly have helped her; she's an intractable romantic.

When the midwife informed us of the tute cancellation, my emo-ness grew in lament of the time and effort wastage. Wan appeared in the hallway that very moment, in very premature anticipation of his interview. So we showed him the library. I felt a tad bit better after a brief chat with him.

On leaving the hospital, I saw that a bus was just pulling up at the bus stop. I raced towards it - even tripped in the process - but arrived only to face relentlessly closed doors. The bus disappeared.

This incidental triviality, I confess, set me on the verge of a violent thunderstorm. I sat down at the bench, waiting the indefinite wait for the next bus, forbidding the onset of tears.

A kindly old man with massive horn-rimmed glasses and massive magnified eyes under a tweed cap offered me a pamphlet with a smile. 'Jesus Chris,' the cover read. I refused with a soundless 'no thanks', accompanied by a smile I didn't feel.

He left to find more worthy and appropriate targets. I leant my head against the bus stop wall. Woe is me. Me is woe. I wiped my cheek, annoyed that a tear had escaped my defences and my detection, that it was already halfway down my face before I killed it.

'That's it', I tell myself. I took my soma.

Once I sat down on the bus, a bout of epistaxis greeted me. Luckily I had tissues. But unluckily, I ran out before the episode was curbed. Oh bloody hell. In my efforts to control the blood drops, I had to miss my bus stop.

Well...I'm now at home, properly fed and watered. I await the euthymia and hope that my mini 'series of unfortunate events' has ended.

high

2008-06-12T22:19:00.002+10:00

It was magical. Within an hour of taking the paroxetine, I felt euphoric! Well actually I felt high =D. Having been tearfully miserable and 'OMG my life should end now' the whole morning, it was a very dramatic internal change. The heaviness disappeared.

It was replaced by the familiar gentle burning in my epigastrium. Later on, the yawning and the sedation joined it. But I was happy.

I'm amazed at the speed of its action. Normally SSRIs take weeks to kick in. But PMDD is unusual and allows for intermittent dosing, with wondrous efficacy.

I'm going to attempt even lower doses to hopefully reduce the side effects. If I could reclaim the luteal half of my life with tolerable side effects!! I could be normal =D.

Fingers crossed bilaterally that I'll remain euphoric for the next two weeks.

revising my game

2008-06-02T21:10:00.004+10:00

I was in one of my moods last week, and Chaos thoughtfully dragged me out for a jog in the park. At one point we started competing.

“Race you to that lamp-post.”

So we ran.. towards the light. A bit corny yet ironic.

I started off faster, but he overtook me soon enough. I slowed down, but caught up with him at the lamp.

He confronted me in his usual blunt manner, “See, that’s your problem. You give up too easily. When you think you’ve lost, you stop trying.”

And the comment was so surprisingly insightful, that I merely blinked at him.

I do believe admission of defeat to be an important skill when appropriate. Isn’t that what chess teaches us? Tip over one’s king when victory is improbable?

But perhaps life isn’t a single chess game, but a series of little victories and defeats. And life goals – and hence the definitions of victory and defeat – are so mouldable that perhaps life need never be a failure.

I’ve long realized my perfectionistic views are unsustainable on a long term basis, if I am to retain my values. I know that I magnify the failures and push the happiness into the backdrop. And I need to change.
_______________

Attended the St V's info session earlier. Catholic hospital eh. Would they deem my name sacrilegious? Would they be biased against me as an applicant? What about a South American applicant named Jesus? Hmmmmmmmm. Oh how terribly biased I myself sound =P

if

2008-05-25T17:13:00.005+10:00

If I were an anime/manga character, I'd be perpetually beautiful, whether female or male.

I'd look like them:

Or them:

Forever bright-eyed, colourfully adorned, and anorexically BMIed. My life would be impossibly exciting; something new'd happen every day - a new antagonist, a new death, a new friend.

But more importantly, life would be very happily and easily liveable. When one's *that* good-looking, one's forgiven anything. The number of fan girls smitten by hot anime bad guys bears testimony to this.]

The alternative for a blissful life is to have an intellectual disability. (Of course one'd hope that one has caring and attentive carers.) But I was chatting to Max yesterday regarding her work with intellecutally disabled children. And yes, she agrees; they are generally very happy people. She spoke of a child who continues to play just as happily as ever despite its recent paternal death and maternal grief. Oh, if I truly had Angelman syndrome!
___________

Listening to: Oro - Jelena Tomasevic, Serbian Eurovision entry. Grae and I like her voice =)

pondering

2008-05-21T20:57:00.007+10:00

One's playing with the demons, as per one's monthly rituals.

One begins to ponder.
What is this conceit, that one should feel *sad* in the knowledge that one is dispensable.
Why this timidness, that one should be so wary to use this life? Why does one shy from it, in horror of its many imperfections, when others manage fine with theirs?
What's this cowardice - one's already given up without fully trying.
How does one find oneself so lonely, when one is surrounded by such well-meaning people.

One wants to jump in the path of an ever tardy Connex train. Or drive at full speed into a wall. To roll down a flight of stairs. Or bathe with a hair dryer. To inject a syringeful of air into a vein. To jump off the balcony. Or wander the streets late at night and hope for the company of antisocially personality-disordered people. Or any druggie/alcoholic with a knife, really.

But one cannot.

Because it's unfair to other people. Most wouldn't understand; they value life so.
Because some may feel bad - they'd think they didn't do enough, when they have already. So generously and unexpectedly.
Because it's less okay to hurt others than to hurt oneself. One's own consent is more readily, more fairly attainable.

But one's difficult to fix. Errors abound.

squiggly line

2008-05-20T20:19:00.011+10:00

Stewie makes me happy =). Gotta love the footballoid-headed baby.

His final thoughts when he mistakenly believed himself to be dying of skin cancer:

Oh squiggly line in my eye fluid.

I see you there,

lurking on the periphery of my vision.

But when I try to look at you,

you scurry away.

Are you shy, squiggly line?

Why, only when I ignore you,

do you return to the centre of my eye?

Oh, squiggly line.

It's alright,

you are forgiven.

the end

2008-05-20T18:21:00.002+10:00

Live so it'll end.
Much like
Jogging.
You think
You’re out of breath
And your chest hurts
You’re drained,
Thirsty,
Doubtful.
You want to stop.
But that’s unfair
To your
Jogging buddy.
So you press on
And find that you
Can continue
A little more;
That you’re
Nearer
The end.

i wonder

2008-05-18T16:45:00.004+10:00

In this time of stress, with looming deadlines, exams and job applications, how will my morals fare, I wonder.

Sometimes, when highly pressured, in order to avoid harm to oneself, one might redirect the harm to someone else. Someone nearby.

Blassreiter (my current fav anime =D) illustrates this theme beautifully in one of its side characters. Johann, a very bullied schoolkid, beats up his best friend, also a very bullied schoolkid, so that the bullies would accept him into their ranks and stop harassing him.

The audience empathises with Johann. We understand that his actions were due to fear and an innate survival-of-the-fittest reflex, and that in normal circumstances, he is a loyal, thoughtful friend.

We’ve all Johann within each of us, I believe. Some have more control over it than others, however. And I wonder if, and worry that, my Johanness is more readily activated than I’d like it to be.

Johann loses his best friend and is eventually driven by guilt to suicide. “Sometimes it's more painful hurt others than to hurt yourself,” was Joseph-the-Blassreiter-protagonist's foreshadowing comment.

But if and when it isn't?

If the pressures are so chronic that one’s identity changes? If Johann worked quite comfortably with the bullies instead of hanging himself?

Now I’ve probably scared off all my friends now eh? It's okay..I don’t punch very hard =)
___________________

Played cards with my family till 2.30am. It was worth the sleep-deprivation. Luck kept changing sides and we competitively persisted with the game for four hours straight. Poor Dad had to get up at 7 for his flight =P

dad

2008-05-17T11:55:00.004+10:00

It's interesting to watch Dad work. Due to lack of space in our little flat, Dad's set up his work station on the couch. Dad makes numerous phone calls daily through Skype and the BlackBerry. Gracie and I keep our usual study posts at the dining table, and are therefore well-situated for eavesdropping.

One minute he's speaking in Thai, the next in Mandarin. And now English. He's rigidly formal in one conversation and intermittently casual in another. It gives the impression that he converses with thirty different people in half an hour.

And if we're really lucky, we could even catch him throwing in the occasional English swear word, which triggers reflexive amused eye contact between Gracie and me. He doesn't swear in any other language, and never at family, which makes these rare occasions all the more fascinating.

Tomorrow Dad returns overseas.

'a great way to start the week'

2008-05-11T10:50:00.000+10:00

Yesterday was lovely. The company was enjoyable and the night unexpectedly ended with R&B and dancing. I was slightly tipsy after a pathetically small amount of alcohol, i.e. 1 standard drink - I'll attribute it to the empty stomach - yet the tipsiness was, though silly, admittedly fun.

I'm feeling energised for the new week's worth of study. It brings to mind Andreas' charming line, "What a great way to start the week."

mortified

2008-05-09T10:16:00.006+10:00

I confess that I lose myself when I feel too threatened. Beneficence, usually so highly valued, evades me. Sometimes I go as far as to harm people, unwittingly or otherwise.

If morality is the basis of my belief in life, how could I afford these easy slips?

I am too anxious a creature - too easily threatened, too easily lost. My conscience abides by a code for which I am unsuitable.

Yet if I tried to alter it, I would not be able to respect myself either.

MF

2008-05-07T09:57:00.002+10:00

"You've lost weight. And your skin is better." I was thus greeted by a Male Flirt. Male Flirt overestimates his own value and fancies that women swoon in his presence.

I attempted polite conversation. After all, this isn't his usual cohort, and he may be appreciate the acquaintance.

And after a few exchanged lines, MF cuts me off, "Hey, I've got to go." And dashes off with an accusatory look which says, "You're holding me up. I'm sorry I can't gratify you and hang around."

Oh what an arrogant idiot. I'll still offer you help if you need it but bloody hell you get on my nerves.

intership

2008-05-06T19:28:00.010+10:00

I've just spend three hours working on internship application elements, stressing about the future, and selectively growing my grey hairs.

And why am I stressing? I've got "low-scoring" attributes, according to CV woman. Yes, I'm meek (d'oh!) and self-critical (d'oh!), and am thus unappealing in the intern market. My grades are averagely impressive, i.e. impressively average. I've no famous referees. I'm not certain I'll leave an impression on the interviewers - I have such powers of blending into the background, and I am almost absolutely sure that the intervewer panel would contain neither curry taxi drivers nor sleazy public transport gomers.

In fact....the only two things I have going for me are:
-I have an Australian passport
-Austin is my clinical school

But well...I guess I don't need to set my heart on the Austin.

Heh..listen to me. Believe me, I'll sound quite different in my interview and on my cover letter. Let's hope no interviewers have developed an interest in blog-surfing.
_____________

I'm not sure I'm ready. I would like a year's break to sort myself out. Fix that meekness, you know? Even if it's Doyle's narcissism. Or her stubborn inability to recognise her faults. I want to be convinced that I have the right to existence despite not having played it out prettily. I'm tired of this yearning. Yearning to be so deadly happy and happily thus, that I won't need to live in meekness.

sigh

2008-05-05T21:24:00.004+10:00

Had another of those arguments. Why does she always manage to get mad over the inanest things?

*sigh*

And what's even sillier. I feel bad every time.

I'm pissed off that I can't say anything that too severely contrasts with her own opinions.
I'm pissed off that she believes she's always right.
I'm pissed off that her thought processes are illogical.
I'm pissed off that she's so damn sensitive.
I'm pissed off that she's conditioned me to be as pathetically sensitive as she is.
That I can't bear the thought of anyone being mad at me.
That my eyes privately tear up.
That despite all, she's still family.

anime

2008-05-05T19:29:00.010+10:00

Diving back into the world of anime...

Where one can be borderline and see morality as black and white.
Where characters are reassuringly predictable
Where one's brain cells can therefore be quite relaxed as they ogle the hot anime characters.

The anime that's recently caught my attention (so effectively that I'm on the verge of obsession) is Blassreiter.
(Yes, anime creators like to Germanize names here and there to make their creations seem more foreign and therefore cool. But let's just ignore that.)

What's refreshing about Blassreiter is its successful combination of all the following qualities:
-excellent animation
-lovable main character
-decent character development
-fair distribution of screen time for all the main characters (I hate stories which allow the protagonist to overshadow the supporting characters.)
-willingness to use gore
-strong focus on the theme of friendship & teamwork

current song obsession

2008-05-03T21:46:00.005+10:00

口袋的天空 - 张韶涵

music video (video's unexciting but the song's beautiful! =D)

明天的故事都是我的是我的
所謂的幸福快樂我學會了抉擇

你的背影遠得像霧了我不再回頭
當腳步被回憶綁著我跑過沙漠

我不要變得小小的找不到自我
好像被什麼人放在口袋沒天空

明天的故事都是我的是我的
所謂的幸福快樂不止一種

美麗的春夏秋冬落葉是我的
體驗過才懂夢是什麼

sleeeeeeepy

2008-05-03T14:48:00.003+10:00

Have you noticed the new seats on the ground floor of Melbourne Central? They're lovely, despite occupying at least 1/3 of the already-narrow walkway width.

And have you seen the wonderful throne-like couches? Gold-rimmed, with red and yellow stripes. Wide enough to fit a person twice my BMI. Two of these magnificent creatures are placed facing each other, separated by a big round shiny and cushiony beastie in between, a seat trying to pass off as a table. And underneath them all is a thick rectangular rug, deeply red and artistically striped.

I perched myself here. My little kingdom, bordered by the edges of my red carpet. O&G notes in lap, can of V in one hand, I people-watched. Few passers-by escaped my gaze. Some even solidly met it, challenging me to look away first. Fascinating, every one of them. I try to guess their histories, their lives, in my few seconds' enounter with each. Ooooooooh.
___________

I'm in a bit of a daze (I probably sound like it eh), having only squeezed in 5 hours of sleep last night. I'm actually quite proud of myself, that my brain's still semi-functional; I'm normally such a sleep glutton and am zombie-like with anything less than 7 hours.

Last night was fun. I brought Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch to guys' night. And preached bra-burning.

And holy shite. I managed to come second in poker =D. I was really lucky hahahah.

Pulled off some incredible bluffs. But shhhh Jeremy doesn't know how many times I'd tricked him hahahaha. He came first anyway. So he's a better liar than me.

gay formal partners

2008-05-01T19:09:00.005+10:00

School council backs Churchie gay formal ban
Lol..look what's happening in Doyle's old school. Which makes me wonder: should openly homosexual guys be allowed to attend boys' schools? And Churchie being a boarding school too!

Surely. If a boy's openly homosexual, and the parents accepting, the kid should be allowed to attend an all-girls school, if a single-sex school is desired. And vice versa. Homosexual girls at Churchie. Hmm strange thought.

One of the main benefits of a single-sex school, after all, is that students are less likely to be distracted by teenage romance bothers.

But say a homosexual male student finds himself in Churchie, whichever the order, the homosexuality vs the finding oneself in Churchie.

I do think it's his right to bring a gay partner to the formal.

The headmaster says it's 'not appropriate for students to take a same-sex partner because escorting a young woman to a formal was part of the boys' education'. But that's laughably and outdatedly narrow-minded.
____________

Anyhow. I ramble. My brain is sluggish! 1am phone calls re sudden plan to fly to Gold Coast post exams. (It's like my belated version of schoolies. I'm really looking forward to it. Plus I'll get to drop by David's new apartment in Brisbane. Ooh excitingness.) But twas hell to go back to sleep afterwards. Damn insomnia.

Full day at the hosp. Got to drop by theatre too =D. But I missed the total abdominal hysterectomy because of PBL. Noooooooooooo =(

So sleepy now. Took 1.25 hours to get home after tute. Bloody train idled @ Epping station for a long time. Bloody Epping located too far from city. And bloody me cleverly missed my train station because bloody Mx only kept me awake for 1/3 of the train ride.

Anyway... twas overall a productive day. So I am quite content despite sleepiness.

abercrombie!

2008-04-28T20:40:00.007+10:00

Mad TV's Abercrombie & Fitch parodic skits are the latest craze of the med guys, inspiring their latest poses*:

Gawd it's fantastic! And I must say...Andy is quite the skilled poser.

I need to hunt down (and publicize) the other photos. Yes..an impressive a collection exists somewhere; this is but a pitifully small subset.

*These photos are staying up unless there are strong ethical reasons against their being here. Proposed reasons subject to ET's judgement.

from the sidewalk

2008-04-28T19:04:00.004+10:00

Awwww this song's music video gives me the sniffles. Poor kiddie.

Kelly Clarkson - Because of You

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

some introversion

2008-04-27T15:13:00.008+10:00

I have the trouble of being too chameleon-like. I change according to my environment and the other occupants of that environment. My adaptations require only minutes – open-mindedness, intolerance, girliness, tomboyishness, bitchness, ditsiness, graveness, reserve, disinhibition. Sometimes I catch myself involuntarily adopting someone else’s mannerisms, accent, or even their opinions.

This is okay to an extent; it could be fun and refreshing. But sometimes I realize I’ve strayed too far from my usual self, and end up lost and confused. I then find myself compensating by withdrawing into anti-socialness, to recharge my identity.

And that’s what happened this weekend: unexpected events kept cropping up. Even though each of them I’ve enjoyed every one of them, they were too closely scheduled, and too many. I’m left feeling drained.

Thus appears the crux of this blog entry. I feel terrible. I had to cancel an event I’ve promised, numerous times, to attend. I simply don’t have energy for it. Even dropping in for an hour, in between bouts of study (there’s the definitions quiz tomorrow which I need to revise for), seems too big a feat to attempt.
_____________

Anyhow....on a wholly unrelated topic. Mom's just been having an amazing 150 decibel screeching session at poor old Doyle over the phone. I've never witnessed anything like it. She's being too unreasonable. He's being too reasonable - it's not always easy counter emotions with logic.

I tried to help, but her fury is non-discriminatory. Sorry Doyle. You're on your own now. It's a huge difference being only a meter away from the screeching souce.

=)

2008-04-21T17:56:00.004+10:00

Avoidant though I am, I enjoy and crave human company. Esp that of trusted friends - people who make me feel okay about myself. Yeah, I've got a latent inferiority complex that rears its fugly head ever too frequently.

Therefore anything that makes me feel remotely useful or valued sits very very comfortably with me.

This is the reason I'm happy today. Not only am I surrounded by the whole Women's cohort, I'm seeing familiar faces from other blocks and the year below.

And I've had many opportunities to smile during the course of the day. Bonding with non-Austiners over table tennis. Receiving a good-natured insult from David for being a crap table tennis player. Getting two cookies from Wei simply for complaining of hunger (all the way from the cafeteria downstairs! 0_o Duuuuude. You're too kind-hearted!). Being updated on Waimay's goss =P. Teasing Kuhendra. Chatting with YN. Joking with Jonathan about screening potential suitors' CVs. Lunch with Sze-Ying, Aarti and Andreas (?spelling). Interrogating Riteesh re his engagement. Yet another bout of table tennis with Gopher, Li-Yong, Andreas, Edwina (and Waimay, temporarily). And then bumping into Caitin on the train, and being introduced to her extremely chatty, ?ADD, friend whose name I've forgotten (yet his conversation's so amusing, ADD suits him juuust fine). And finally chatting with Mom @ home over dinner.

I know each of this is trivial and superficial. But collectively they make me feel that this existence matters. And I value it all the more.

weekend recreation

2008-04-20T18:46:00.003+10:00

Went clubbing @ Eve on Friday night. Music was pathetically out-of-date. But still had a good four hours' worth of half-hearted dancing, which fulfilled my exercise quota for the weekend.

Poor Calvino's train got canceled - he arrived late and was stuck in the waiting line for 2 hours despite Kev/Gary's and Pau Zhing/my attempts to get him through. But he did eventually appear on the dance floor. Even then he only got to dance for an hour and 10 min before we all got tired and dispersed. I feel terrible because I was the one who suggested Eve to him. He doesn't seem bitter at all over it, but I'd quite understand if he voodoo-dolled & attacked me with needles.

Overall, a decent night. Thanks for the company, y'all who were there. Esp Calvino =P. I still feel bad.

______________

Yum cha in Doncaster today. Andrew and Ruban wanted to reminisce over their elective days. And a whole bunch of us randoms came along too.

Best conversation topic was Andrew's encounter with hot gay guy. Bec, the mutual friend & Andrew's fellow churchgoer, revealed all; Andrew wouldn't have done so of his own accord. "I'm not proud of it okay."

Haha...but there's nothing to be ashamed of either! You'd think so, from the sour expressions on Andy and Wei's faces. Gay dude was openly hitting on poor confuzzled Andrew. I won't go into too much detail but there was some physical contact, some licking of Andrew's dessert spoon, and some mention of watching romantic French movie at Andrew's. Hahahahaha. The dude was undeterred by Andrew's straight status, saying to Bec, "Give him three more years and he'll come out." =P

Gay dude's very good-looking, I hear. Loaded too, with a stable career. Suitable age. Suitable height. I encouraged Andrew to go for it.

And afterwards Wei demonstrated his newly-licensed driving skills by driving Jez, Andrew, Andy and me around the residential streets. But first the boys *had* to do their gangster poses, mouthing fake ciggies fashioned from old shopping dockets, with Wei's car as the backdrop. Pffft posers, all of you. I took the photos. We then cruised around the nearby streets. Andy and Andrew failed to find 'black' music on the radio station, so they attempted to make The Veronica's Untouched seem hardcore by exaggeratedly headbanging and screaming out to passersby "Yeah!! Veronicas!!!" =P =P

horton hears a who

2008-04-20T11:32:00.006+10:00

"In my world, everyone's a pony, and they all eat rainbows and poo butterflies."

Katie's my favourite character in Horton Hears a Who. She amuses by being creepy and odd.

MSN names

2008-04-17T23:09:00.011+10:00

Ooooh...

The MSN nickname is excellent advertising space. My simple little "*heart* Pan's Labyrinth" aired for only a week before two MSN contacts made arrangements to get hold of the film.

I could really utilize this and start propaganda like "Chris loves baby elephants".

And what's even more disturbing - mainlanders have discovered the power of MSN advertising.

This message has been recently passed around on MSN:

put "*heart* China" into ur MSN title to support China and

Beijing Olympic 让全世界看看华人团结。请转发您 msn朋友

Oh hell.
____________

Otherwise..life is good =)

Visited Hermano who's just had internal reduction & fixation of his trimalleolar #. And he looks very well. ¡Estupendo!

Fun outpatients clinic with Prof Hutson at the RCH.

Social events happily lined up for the weekend.

Ooh and another thing. I cooked a meal! Graciella decided she's taking the night off from housework. A great pity because somehow I can't seem to do instant noodles better than her.

máteme

2008-04-16T20:40:00.003+10:00

Some days it's difficult to stay afloat.

An ever-growing study load.
The daily housework battle.
Long days at the hospital.
Unexpected family demands. (I was ungraciously displeased at the suddenness and senselessness of this most recent one. But funnily enough Gopher vocalized it much better on my behalf.)

How do people juggle it all so well. How? How?

How do they maintain that cheeriness which belies the eye bags and droopy lids. How do they refrain from curling up in a corner and weeping at the frustration of it all.

I don't understand why I am so restless, but I am quite bored with life. I'm not sure what direction I'm aiming at.

What, exactly, am I working for, if I can't see past the next few weeks, and each day ahead seems to take on the hue of monotony?

What, exactly, keeps me here?

feminist thoughts that happened to enter my headachy mind

2008-04-15T18:17:00.009+10:00

Am I falling prey to sexism? Am I condoning more than I should? Am I becoming weak and cowardly by not standing up for my beliefs?

Or am I simply becoming more tolerant of what is a dying attitude anyway, rightfully overlooking an evil that's irreversibly socialized into the older generations?

I don't know...

And it's a bit hard to think anyway, what with this crazy headache that feels like my head's about to burst into smithereens. Gracie and I have started jogging again, and each time, this smithereening headache curses me.

But unsidetracking to the original topic..

So just how much chivalry does a female put up with? Granted, girls are too often socialized into the mentality of expecting this crap from their male ideal. So I can understand that most smart males'd use these behaviours..just in case. (Never mind that it probably also makes them feel superior and protective and useful.)

But seriously! Yes, females like knowing that their males are considerate and thoughtful creatures, but this need not be demonstrated through stereotypical social behaviours. And some guys really overdo it.

I had my freaking hand already on the water pitcher, about to refill my own glass. And he stopped me. To carry out a task that I am fully capable of. *My* task. Thoughtful, but utterly unnecessary. Do I look like a weakling? With bones so severly osteoporotic that they're going to fracture should I ever make the mistake of picking up an item 0.05% of my weight?

Yes, help the woman with the heavy luggage. Males are generally physically superior after all. I don't deny that. But stuff that she can do perfectly well?! Opening a door, carrying a tiny bagful of groceries, etc. Don't waste your energy, seriously.

I'm confused. Some days I thank The Gopher (my new adopted target of worship) that I'm not male. Other days I worry I'm too female.

Hmm..what the hell am I rambling on and on about. I'm not sure if I even make sense. You know....I don't even feel as strongly against this mild sexism as I sound. I don't like it but I can very comfortably tolerate it.

Damn smithereening headache. Which is thankfully fading with my blog's helpful distraction. Anyway... it's funny that I've only skimmed through 5 pages of Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch (whose content is mostly too outdated and persuasive for my liking anyway), and this full flood of feminism is resurfacing in my blood.

Gopher..so tired. I need a nice warm shower whilst Gracie prepares dinner.

housework

2008-04-14T15:41:00.005+10:00

Ye horride houseworke.

Squelched =D. Every damn iota of you that blemished this wondrous sparkling perfection which now greets my eyes. By Gracie and me. Hurray for teamwork. Synergistic. Half the load but infinitely more bearable.

bucket list

2008-04-13T16:55:00.006+10:00

An irrepressible fit of boredom hit me during some paeds study, and I found myself playing with Google:

Skydiving: $300
Hot air balloon ride: $350
Scuba diving: $660
Swimming with dolphins: $100
Surfing lesson: $50
Jet Fighter flight: $2100
Flying a helicoptor: $650

When I've my own dinero..... =D

I guess I could attribute this adventurous mood to the film, The Bucket List, which I've very recently seen. A couple of old guys with terminal cancer draw up a 'bucket list' - a list of things to do before kicking the bucket. It's a beautiful film. Most other teary movies only give you some vague soreness and discomfort. But this movie's much more potent. It wrings the teary anguish out of you with more conviction.

So this list of activities is my potential bucket list. If I really had to create an official list, I think it'd only contain two poorly-defined items at this point in life- 1. find happiness 2. remain true to my values

excellent black creature

2008-04-12T15:09:00.006+10:00

Met up with a friend for lunch. He brought his car along. And holy shite is it beautiful. He drives one of these creatures. A black one. It won me over within seconds in spite of my typical indifference to four-wheeled things.

*drooool*

I told Jez about the car.
"You should sleep with your friend."
Er...

Currently reading: A Map of the World, Jane Hamilton
Recently saw: El Orfanato. Bit of a disappointment really. There were only a couple of scary moments in the whole movie.

and that's the end of geelong

2008-04-11T19:52:00.005+10:00

Geelong was excellent. It's a very pleasant feeling, knowing multiple friends are living just a few metres away, readily proddable when one's bored or in need of motivation to work. Living across the road from the hospital was extremely convenient- one can go home and comfortably re-energize (or comfortably study at one's own desk) in between ward visits. The doctors were friendly and helpful enough. Our PBL tutor taught effectively; he forced patient rapport and bs skills out of all of us. I've never enjoyed PBL so much. And my group members have been great. Just thinking of them makes me smile.

________________

On another note, I’ve unintentionally dropped another kilo, bringing my BMI down to 16.5. That’s gross. I look like a typical ano fob.

Maybe I really should cut down on the caffeine. Or maybe I'm just dehydrated and that kilo'll magically reappear soon.

the mood cycle

2008-04-09T19:42:00.001+10:00

Each PMDD episode lures me into a pit of self-loathing and self-pity. And the darkness seeps freely - into everyday tasks, previously meaningful activities, social interaction. Everything. I want to hide somewhere private and mull. And that’s what I do. Even though every time I see the logic in Gopher’s comment. “Sitting here by yourself is worse.”

After each tide of sadness, I become different. When one doesn’t fear death, one’s invincible. I become more aggressive with life. This aggressiveness manifests almost as disinhibition. I speak undeterred by my usual self-consciousness. I joke with strangers. I bring my feet up when I sit on a communal chair. I rush through my tasks without the usual fear of imperfection. It’s a temporary renewed interested in life, accompanied by the fervor of novelty.

staring

2008-03-30T18:34:00.007+11:00

I've a new song to obsess over!

Stop and Stare - One Republic

The music video works well. Eerie, surreal, lonely, sad and empowering all at the same time.

"Stop and staaaare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and staaaare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're trying to come back.
All my senses push.
Untie the weight bags,
I never thought I could.
Steady feet, don't fail me now
I will run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down..."

Gawd I love it. =D It sobers me and makes me wonder what the heck I want from life.

I do have one complaint though. That bathtub corpse, all flooded in green light, staring blankly up at you. Gawd. It was so unexpected, it's imprinted itself in my memory and is going to haunt me in nightmares tonight. Preying on my home-aloneness. Just when I've so carefully resisted the horror film El Orfanato at Jeremy's in preparation of home-aloneness. I would've preferred El Orfanato if I'd known this would happen. Damn you bathtub creature. Damn you to hell.

chocolate

2008-03-24T12:48:00.003+11:00

Chocolate.
Amo tú mucho.
Chocolate de mi hermana.
Amo tú más.

Soy flaja.
Necessito estudiar.
Pero siento aquí.
Con chocolate.
0_o

ex-gay nonsense

2008-03-22T10:56:00.004+11:00

I'm in awe. How can anyone manage to spout such incredible bullshit.

"Happily, homosexuality can be turned around. Homosexuality is out of tune with religion; it is not what God planned for human sexuality," says he.

Sy Rogers. Here's a funny video clip from his show Turnaround.

And here's he classifying homosexuality. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
Situational - e.g. prisons, boarding schools
Obligatory - homosexuality due to improper nurture during childhood
Neurotic/regressive - homosexuality due to lack of self-confidence.

I went to an all-girls' high school. I've got a "broken relationship with the parent of the same sex". I've an inferiority complex. All these wonderful risk factors that he speaks of. I should be a lesbian by now!

He's so damn misguided. He's uncomfortable with his gay history and is thus enthusiastically anti-gaying to justify, and compensate for, the past. And dare I say this. I wouldn't be surprised if he still has homosexual fantasies. He doesn't look like an ex-gay.

Anyway.. here's a South Park episode exploring this anti-gay evangelism theme: Cartman Sucks. Extremely entertaining. I've rewatched multiple times.

hush

2008-03-04T00:49:00.006+11:00

I can feel a nothing.
An illusion veil I’ll weave,
Shimmering and flowing,
As for the emperor’s skin.
Blemishes it’ll blur
To prettify the ill.
I'll feed a faith unfounded,
And breathe a perfumed past.
Thus her poisons she will hush,
Less sizzle and less seethe.

pieces

2007-12-12T10:37:00.000+11:00

Low-quality 5-min insomnia-induced poetry =D

The hunger
Eats.
Digests me to
Mush.
What, where
The bloody
Hell are you.
The meaning of
All.

___________________

Sadness drips
Like a faulty tap.
Ominous
When all else's silent.
___________________

Wouldst I run away,
Garbed in feathered cowardice,
With only a bagful
Of forced forgetfulness.
To some distant destination
Of sunny loneliness,
Where the salty breeze
Whispers of freedom,
And the gentle sway of palm leaves
Dance sweetly of peace.
Where I'll do as I please
And please as I do.
Where the brain eternally rests
In absent-minded rot.

teddiness

2007-11-28T17:48:00.000+11:00

Life
Is a tatty teddy
One can't bear
To throw away -
Its value renewed
Each cleaning day,
Its value forgot
Days in between.

I got bored on the train to Austin. No risk =P, just pensiveness. (About the meaning of life. D'oh that old topic). Had a great day enjoying the glorious sunshininess and the crazily busy Facebook wall - am I the only one who doesn't check Facebook daily?! I was surprised by the amount of birthday greetings. It makes me feel guilty that I haven't been following up on *their* birthdays via Facebook. Facebook amuses me =).